2 weeks Losing Something
by Hasselhoff
Summary: COMPLETE Part 1 of 3. Abby leaves Chicago and comes back three years later.
1. Prologue

Authors Note: Okay so this is one of my first fic's. Well sort of I wrote one and accidentally deleted it but I'm going to try to get it back up. Anyways so this is kinda similar to that one. Its Carby. Just read and review.   
  
PROLOGUE-  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
*half* of me is here  
  
Yet *half* is in your Heart  
  
So where do I start   
  
to tell you that?  
  
------------------------------------  
  
I guess, what it boils down to is that I've always been more afraid to admit how I feel then, actually feel it. Once you let that guard down its all out there. He knows and I know. The hiding is over. Never can I hide my true self from him again. The truth is, men, they come and go, but my family, my family- no matter how crazy and loose they are they, well I guess they are always there in some way or another, as I am for them. Men are unpredictable you never know when your baggage will get too much for them to handle and I think that happened with us. My luggage, baggage, my past, the present everything that I had, that could cause problems inevitably did that. I learned to read in between the lines with John. He said one thing but meant another. He beat around the bush so to speak. I don't think Carter could ever really love me. He could love who he wanted me to be. But not who I am. My brother though he loves me for me. Crazy, drunken, self pitying Abby. I am good enough for him. I think that is why I went to him instead of being there for Carter. Don't get me wrong, I wanted so badly to be there for him like he has for me. But this time caused for me to go with Eric to help him just like he would for me. So now Carters gone. As am I. I left, him, Chicago and the pain and life I have lived here. I guess I was wiping my hands of everything that has ever happened here, and moving to New York. I don't know why I choose New York but I did. Not only did I move to New York, but so did my babies. I left Carter pregnant. Carter, would be a good father. No doubt in my mind, but the children would be ours together, so flaws are a given. My main issue keeping my twins around Carter was, what if they had issues themselves, such as drugs or alcohol. How would he deal with it. Would he try to change them like he did me? Would he leave them in their time of need? I wasn't sure, I didn't want to risk it.  
  
So I moved to New York Island, calling weaver from there and quitting, before Carter could get back and try to stop me or find out where I am.  
  
----------------------------  
  
One day we'll wave  
  
Hello and wish we'd  
  
never waved goodbye.  
  
---------------------------- 


	2. Starting all over again

Authors Note: Okay so this is chapter one I hope you like... Its kind of cheesy lol thanks a BUNCH for reading please review if u have time.   
  
Chapter One:  
  
-------------------------  
  
When I look at you  
  
my heart skips a beat!  
  
-------------------------  
  
I lay in bed, with two beautiful children surrounding me. Two years later and here I am. With my two favourite people. My little boys the ones that mean everything too me. Every time I am with them, they do or say something that will remind me of their father. They are both very caring and nice. Logan, is the eldest, by ten minutes. His curly blonde hair is absolutely adorable, I don't want to cut it. He has the big blue eyes, and a crooked smile. I always wonder how he turned out to look so different then both John and I. He does have nice tan skin though. His full name being Logan Rutgers Wysenzki. I remember, Jing ma telling me that Carter wanted to name one of his sons that name or something like that. So as hideous as it was I decided to stick it in there. Logan lay with his head on my leg as we watch 101 Dalmatians. His brother Jeremy Guy, sits on my lap curled up in a tiny ball, with his straight brown hair standing up on its ends. His big brown eyes, just like mine slowly start to give me signs that he's fading. Quickly. Jeremy, has the exact same colour hair as his dad, and is just like his dad with his sensitivity. Logan is moodier, like me. Jeremy doesn't seem to let things get to him. I changed my last name back to Wysenzki when I moved out here. Not wanting to give the boys their fathers last name, I wanted us to have the same last name so they wouldn't wonder why we had different last names.   
  
-----------------------  
  
sometimes you need  
  
to run away to see   
  
who will follow.  
  
-----------------------  
  
I decided to put the kids in their own beds, so I could relax and get some reading done.  
  
I was just about to curl up on the couch when the phone rang loudly through the apartment, in fear that it would wake one or both of the boys I ran as quickly as possible to the phone, almost taking myself out in the process. "Hello" I breathed into the receiver.  
  
"Abby?" The strong voice asked on the other end.  
  
"Who is this?" I asked suspiciously.  
  
"Sorry, its Luka." He said with a bit of a chuckle. Luka, how did he get my number. Must of been through Susan her and I have briefly kept in touch. But that was when I first moved here.   
  
"Hi Luka what's up, how have you been?" I asked curious as to why I was getting this late night call, from my ex. "I've been good. Actually I'm calling because, I'm getting married." I was speechless, I didn't know what to say or how I felt so I just didn't say anything. "I was wondering if you wanted to come to the wedding, I know you must be busy with your new life, but you were a good friend to me and I would really like it if you would come." I was stunned, yet happy for Luka.  
  
"Married, too whom?" I asked a smile slowly crossing my face.  
  
"Sam. She's a nurse at County, she came to county just after you left."   
  
"Oh that's great I'm so happy for you. When is it?" I asked anxiously. I hoped I could make it. "Uh- about 3 weeks." I quickly walked over to purse and got out my schedule, I was off for 5 days and I mite be able to get a couple of the girls to cover my shift for me.   
  
"Yes that could deffintly work." until I thought of something. "Shit the kids." I said allowed not realizing I had. "Kids?" I hadn't told anyone back in Chicago about Jeremy, and Logan in fear of Carter finding out. I guess, I shouldn't hide from things anymore.  
  
"Yes, I have 2 son. Logan and Jeremy." I said nervously. Luka was the one who was speechless now.  
  
"Whose, are they." He asked slowly.   
  
"Carters." I said quickly.  
  
"Does he know?" Luka questioned.  
  
"No, no he doesn't. They're two now and they're beautiful" I said smiling. I always choked up a bit when I talked about my children.  
  
"I'm happy for you. You know the kids could probably come to the wedding, if you wanted and Susan said you could stay with her. But to call her." Luka said with a smile, I could always tell when people were smiling while talking on the phone.  
  
"Okay thanks Luka. I'll be there." I said as I hung up the phone. I took a deep breathe in knowing now I had to tell Susan and hope she wouldn't tell Carter. I knew Luka wouldn't do that too me. Neither would Susan I hope. I picked up the phone and started dialling her number. "Hello." I hear a tired voice answer.  
  
"Susan?" I say the same way Luka did to me.  
  
"ABBY?" she asks suddenly very perky. I am suddenly very happy and excited about this wedding even if it does mean Carter chasing me with a butcher knife.   
  
------------------------------  
  
you never understood me  
  
you didn't even try.  
  
I don't want this to be  
  
so I'm saying goodbye  
  
put the key on my table  
  
don't think about coming  
  
back u aren't able  
  
to ever win me back   
  
--------------------------------- 


	3. this and that

Authors Note: So this is Chapter two and in my opinion its moving kind of slow, so the next chapter I'm going to try to pick it up. But I just want to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. If you are unsure about something (eg; how Susan knew where Abby was and her phone number. But didn't know she had kids,( you'll eventually find it all out.   
  
Chapter 2-  
  
-------------------------------  
  
You can complain because  
  
roses have thorns, or you  
  
can rejoice because thorns  
  
have roses.   
  
---------------------------------  
  
I took a deep breathe as a small smile crossed my lips. I was beginning to get rather excited about the wedding, yet very nervous at the same time. I knew there was a good chance I would have to see Carter, not only would I have to tell him about our kids. I would have to face him about all the past problem. I told Susan about Logan and Jeremy, she was shocked, very shocked. Especially when I told her they were Carters, she even dropped the phone. She told me she wouldn't tell Carter figuring it was best coming from me. I walked over to the couch and grabbed my book. I decided I would go to bed and contemplate my options of the best time to tell Carter. Should I phone him? Or just tell him when I get there. Maybe in person was better that way I could make sure he gets to the hospital okay after he faints and hits head. I lay down in bed, wondering if I'd be able to sleep tonight. I was scared that maybe Carter had met someone new, as much as I hated Carter for what he did to me, leaving me, screaming at me, being rude, breaking up with via letter. I didn't want him to be with anyone else. I didn't care how selfish that was. It turns out that he was just as single as me. He did date a women from Africa briefly but Susan said it was nothing serious. I decided it was best for me if I just stayed single and worked on being a little more independent. It seems for as long as I could remember I was in a relationship first with Richard, then Luka and then carter. I suddenly was getting angry thinking about Carter and the letter, the WHOLE ER had seen that letter. Even patients. Why would he do that to me? Couldn't he have called. I thought that was very selfish, he was doing what was easiest on him, over what was right. How he spoke to me at his Grandmothers funeral was wrong too. I understand how he was mourning but I was just trying to do what was best, and I know I screwed up but I really wanted to be there for Carter and Eric. I guess running away is what we both do best, because in the end that's what ended up happening with both of us.  
  
----------------------  
  
Instead of shoving   
  
weeds in my face  
  
try roses!  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Mommy. I'm hungry." Logan said with a pout.  
  
"Logan, hold on a second, I have to finish cleaning your brother up." I said carrying tiny Jeremy on my hip and taking him into the kitchen to dispose of the diaper. they'd be 3 in two weeks and Jeremy, was still using diapers, while Logan was potty training.   
  
We walked out to the kitchen Logan on my heels. The phone started to ring and logan grabbed it of the side table to answer it. "Hi." he said grinning, he loved answering the phone. I could see it wasn't Grandma or Eric, so I walked over to get the phone from him, setting Jeremy down on the floor. "Yeah, I'm Logan." Logan said cheekily.   
  
"Logan, go play with Jeremy and I'll get you, your cereal." Logan ran off to play with the cars scattered all over are little living room in our tiny apartment. "Hello."   
  
"Hey, Abby. It's Susan."   
  
"Hey, Susan. How are you?" I asked walking over to the kitchen to make Kraft dinner.  
  
"Good. You kids sound so cute." I laughed. Trying living with them.  
  
"Yeah they are. They play well together its nice."   
  
"So are you excited for the wedding?" I was very.  
  
"Yes I'm excited about getting to see everyone."   
  
"Yeah, Pratt, Gallant, Chen are going so many people are."   
  
"Really. I'm very excited and maybe I can avoid Carter." I laughed.  
  
"He's going." Oh no this wasn't good. I knew there was a small chance in seeing him just being in Chicago but I didn't think he'd actually be at the wedding. I didn't think he and Luka got along at all. "what?"  
  
"Yeah Luka, and he, well they aren't best friends, but they get along, and Carter and Sam get along well. So they invited him. I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I know the weddings in 2 1/2 weeks and your coming soon."  
  
"No it's okay." I said shaking. "I don't mind. We'll both going to have to grow up and be mature I guess." I took a deep breathe. Bending down to pick up the Kraft dinner I spilt when I found out. "I guess then I actually have to tell him about Jeremy and Logan."   
  
"Yeah that would be a good idea."  
  
"It's their birthday in 2 weeks two days after we get to Chicago. So at least he can be with them on their third birthday."   
  
"I can't believe it's been over 3 years since you left here." Susan said shocked.   
  
"Yeah I know. I miss it there."   
  
"You should move back." I laughed, thinking this probably wasn't a very good idea.   
  
"That might not be a good idea. I think Carter will hate me."   
  
"Well he's acted like you never existed. I can tell he misses you a lot though." I sighed, I missed him too. I didn't think we would ever work though. We couldn't deal with every thing that came our way. At least we couldn't as a couple. We were both learning too indivualy though. "Well Susan I have to go, the twins are starving." I said  
  
"Wait does Carter know I'm coming?" I asked half hoping he did half hoping he didn't.  
  
"Nope, I didn't tell him and I don't think Luka did and Sam doesn't know about you two so I don't think she would." I smiled and then proceeded to get off the phone and tend to my two sons.   
  
------------------------------  
  
I really want to love some  
  
body. I do.   
  
I just don't know if it's   
  
possible forever and ever!  
  
------------------------------- 


	4. courage is hard to get

Chapter 3-  
  
------------------  
  
I been downhearted  
  
baby ever since the   
  
day we met.  
  
------------------------  
  
I ran around the apartment trying to get everything together. Everything ready for the plane ride. Logan and Jeremy were watching a movie. I had to get there outfits together, and my outfit too. I put all the things by the front doors. "Hey guys are you hungry? How bout we get some McDonalds." Logan and Jeremy turned around and their faces lit up.  
  
"Yeah!" Jeremy screamed.   
  
"Okay then come get your jackets on, and we'll go." I said to the two boys sitting on the couch.   
  
-------------------------------  
  
Psychiatrists say that 1   
  
of 4 people are mentally ill.  
  
Check 3 friends. If they're   
  
OK, you're it.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
I fastened them into the plane seats and took a seat between them. "Mommy." I turned and looked at Jeremy. "Yeah?" I asked smiling.  
  
"Are we there yet?" He said breaking out in laughter, with Logan following suit. During the whole car ride they did that, finding it funny. I've just learned to ignore it. But now it was annoying. "Okay guys that's enough." I said in my mother voice. One I have learned to perfect. They sat quietly. Giving me time to think. Mostly about how I was going to tell Carter that Logan and Jeremy were his, and then how I was going to tell them. I looked over at Jeremy, and Logan who were now watching Shrek on the TVs. I know the minute I tell Carter the kids are his he will want to be part of their lives, but he will also be angry.   
  
I remember one of the last conversations we had, it was after he decided to go to Africa. I called him, trying to tell him not to go.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Hi, John it's Abby."   
  
"Uh-Hi. Yeah, I can't talk, I'm getting ready to go."  
  
"John, you're going to get hurt or killed if you go there."  
  
"Listen Abby, I have to go and I don't have time for this or you right now. Go help your brother."   
  
That was when I knew he couldn't truly forgive or understand me. It was 3 days after he had gone that I found out I was having a child and that was the day I decided I was going. I called Susan once I got to New York told her I was living out here, I never told her I was pregnant though for fear of Carter finding out, so I kept it hush, hush. We lost touch after about 3 months. we lost touch, she had started dating Chuck pretty seriously, I'm not sure if they are still together I forgot to ask which just goes to show how self involved I am. Here I am Carter free, but love him I just think we could never make it work. I had always hoped in secret that maybe he would find someone to marry and he would be easier for me to get over, now I wonder if he's truly over me. Maybe he loves me too, getting my hopes up wouldn't be smart, so I just hope that everything will turn out okay when I get into Chicago.   
  
----------------------  
  
Where is the good  
  
In goodbye?   
  
-----------------------  
  
"Please stay seated until the plane has safely landed." The captains voice boomed over the P.A system. I looked up groggily, being rudely awakened. I looked over and Logan was asleep, while Jeremy, was colouring, in one of the many books I brought him, called going to Grandma's house. "Hey Jeremy, we're almost here." I said slowly taking the crayons and the book from him. "Okay," he easily said. I was expecting a little bit of a fight, considering he was seeming a bit tired. The plane landed, and I woke, Logan up and got our things together. Logan didn't seem to want to get up though so I carried him on my hip as Jeremy, held onto my finger loosely. I kept checking on him to make sure nothing happened to him, as I carried a bag on my back and in my free hand. I looked around to see Susan and Luka waiting for us. I smiled and they walked over to us. "Hey Abby." Susan said glowing. smiled back. "Are these the boys?" Luka said, moving to eye level to stare at Jeremy. Jeremy shied away. "Don't be shy." I said. Rubbing his head. Luka picked Jeremy up. "I'll carry this one." smiling at him. Susan grabbed the bag out of my head and off we went to get the rest of my things.  
  
"How was the flight?" Susan asked me in the car.  
  
"Oh it was okay, Logan slept through most of it, Jeremy, watched movies and coloured." I said looking at the now sleeping Jeremy, and the still sleeping Logan. "When are you going to tell Carter." Luka question, well he sure didn't beat around the bush.  
  
"Today." I stated calm and quite sure of myself.   
  
"Today?" Susan repeated with a confused look on her face.  
  
"Yes as soon as possible."   
  
The rest of the ride was quiet, Susan told me she would watch the twins while looking took me to the hospital to talk to Carter, he got off at 4, and it was 3:30 so I knew we had to be quick. Luka, turned into Susan drive way and we all got out. I picked up Jeremy, while Susan took Logan and we headed up to put the boys down for a sleep while Luka emptied the car of our belongings.   
  
Luka and I got back in the Car and headed for the hospital, once the boys were down.   
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
I don't want another pretty face  
  
I don't want just anyone to hold  
  
I don't want my love to go to waste.   
  
I want you and your beautiful soul.   
  
Your the one I wanna chase  
  
You the one I wanna hold.  
  
I won't let another minute go to waste  
  
I want you and your beautiful soul.   
  
------------------------------------------- 


	5. Facing the facts

Chapter 4-  
  
---------------------------------  
  
As I walked out the door,  
  
I knew that my heart   
  
would shut the door for me.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
"So, you going to be okay?" Luka asked sombrely. He looked worried about me, like he knew something about Carters temper. Something I had no idea about. I unbuckled my seatbelt and smiled at him. "Yeah, I'm going to be fine. Thanks for the ride Luka, I think I'll take the EL home, a little piece of my past sort of thing I guess." Luka nodded and smiled at me as I got of the car. "Oh Abby, Sam said she'd like to meet you before the wedding so maybe you and the twin would like to come over for dinner tomorrow night and meet, Sam and her son Alex?"   
  
"Yeah, sure that sounds nice." I shut the door and bravely made my way toward the hospital entrance. As soon as I got to the door I took a deep breath and looked around, everything looked the same, the basketball net, everything it was like I had never left, except I did leave. Now I have to come back and fix the horrible mess I thought I was rid of Forever. I guess running away from your problems isn't the right thing to do because sooner or later your going to have to come back to them, and the problem may have become worse then when you left it. I walked in to the hospital, the smell of death soon hit me, and I looked around realizing how bad this place really was, the new place I work at is much cleaner and nicer, but County was defiantly an experience I will never forget. I walked up to the admit area and saw Frank. "Hi Frank is Carter here." I asked like I normally would. Frank looked up at me and then smiled, it was weird to see the normally grumpie man have a facial expression that doesnt say come near me and ill ripe out ur heart and feed it to your children. "Abby." He said running around the desk and pulling me into a bear hug. "Hi Frank." I said patting his back.  
  
"So what brought you back." Frank said releasing his grip on me.   
  
"Luka's weeding. Is Carter around?" I stated.  
  
"Yes Exam 2...Nice to see you." I waved back to Frank as I headed over to exam 2.   
  
------------------------------  
  
It's ok to kiss a fool.  
  
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.  
  
But never let a kiss fool you.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
I looked in through the glass and saw him. He was walking to a patient, looking as gorgeous as ever. His hair was short, like it was before he left for Africa. I could tell he has a little stubble which I liked, on him. I watched him talk to the boy sitting on the bed, I could hear what he was saying because the door was closed but I suddenly saw him heading to the door and tried my best to muster all the strength I had to go there. I slowly walked over to the door, one foot after the other and took a deep breathe, just as my cell phone went off. "Hello." I said my hearting pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears.   
  
"Hey, Abby, Logan wants to speak to you. He's up and Crying." Susan said to me. I suddenly felt bad for leaving them with Susan I should have woke them up and told them that I was leaving for a bit. I looked over to see Carter talking to a nurse. "Okay." I said quickly. "Have you talked to Carter yet?" Susan asked.  
  
"No I'm just about too, but put Logan on."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."   
  
"Its okay." I insisted. As I heard my suddenly happy son bounce onto the phone.  
  
"Mommy." As soon as I heard his peppy voice a small smile crossed my lips.   
  
"Hi baby." I said rather loudly. Suddenly Carter turned around and there we were face to face. With our son on the phone. He stared for a minute, I watched him as Logan babbled on about Jeremy still being a sleep and a movie Susan was letting him watch.   
  
"then the duck he ate the- MOMMY!" The little boy screeched through the phone as Carter made his way over to me. He must of heard Logan because he turned his eyes from me to the phone. He was suddenly less then a foot apart and I thought I was going to die. "Logan, honey I have to go. I miss you. When we get together when I get home we'll do something special okay?"  
  
" I slowly watched Carters face change, his arms remained crossed over his chest. His face went from anger and surprise to confuse, surprise and anger. "Bye mommy. I love you."   
  
"Love you too." I flipped the phone closed and looked at Carter.  
  
"Hi." My voice shaking as the words slowly escaped from my mouth.  
  
"Hi." He said back slowly. He looked as if he was trying to process everything.  
  
"Your back." I smiled a little out of nervousness.  
  
"Yes."   
  
"For the wedding." Wow he's on a roll.  
  
"yes."   
  
"Do you have anything more to say, then yes?" Now he was angry.  
  
"Look, Carter can we talk."   
  
"I'm busy." He stated as plain as paper.  
  
"Carter, its important." I said chasing after him into the drug lock up.  
  
"Why don't you just talk it over with the guy you were on the phone with." He spat.  
  
I laughed out loud which caused Carter to turn and look at me. "Carter that wasn't my boyfriend, I don't have a boyfriend not that its any of your business, that was my almost three year old son Logan, that's who it was. Or should I say our almost three-" Then I stopped my anger crusade and looked at Carters pale face, I had planned on breaking the news to him a little more gently. "M-my Son?" Carter said, he was now the one who was shaking. "Yes." I said knowing that would have been an approiate time to tell him that he has two sons. "Are you sure?" I laughed a little.  
  
"Yes." I looked into his eyes, he looked scared.   
  
"Wow, what's his name?"   
  
"Logan." I knew I had to slip Jeremy in their some where, but I didn't know where.   
  
"Logan what?"   
  
"Rutgers Wysenzki." I saw a smile cross his lips, I knew he loved the name Rutgers who knows why its not that pretty. Then it faded once I said the last name.   
  
"Well, at least he got something I like."  
  
"Jeremy is Jeremy-"  
  
"Jeremy?"   
  
"Yes twins. Jeremy Guy." Carter looked very upset and surprised.   
  
--------------------------------  
  
There's always room for   
  
new changes and memories   
  
in the future... But never   
  
forget the past, for where   
  
the all the best/worse  
  
memories were once made..  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Now in the lounge I watched as Carter paced, back in forth occasionally opening the fridge, finding out each time, nothing new had been put him since the last time he opened the door. "how? When?" Carter said stopping and sitting across from me at the table.  
  
"Uh, well you know how and the last time we slept together." This might open a bit of a sour spot for both of us. "When was that." Now he looked stumped.   
  
"2 days before your Grandmother past away." Carter looked up at me like it must have been later then that. "Trust me, we didn't have sex after that." He leaned back in his chair.  
  
"Why? Why did you keep something as big as my children away from me. Not only did you wreck their lives but you wrecked mine. These boys deserve to ahve a father and thanks to you, they don't" His voice raising.   
  
"I didn't think they needed a father, not one who would not let them grow and change on their own. I wanted the best for my boys and at the time I didn't think you were best thing for them, call that selfish, rude, mean. I don't care but I did what I felt was right." I was raising my voice now.   
  
"You know what Abby. It was selfish, damn selfish. I have half a mind not taking you to court and suing your ass for my sons." I looked him in the eyes.  
  
"You wouldn't." I was now terrified of this man, maybe Luka did know a little something about his temper. He shrugged and then left the lounge.   
  
------------------------------  
  
I've seen those who lies   
  
and those who'll kill to be   
  
another.. But never did   
  
I see those innocence in   
  
your eyes.  
  
------------------------------ 


	6. sometimes we have to loose a little to l...

Chapter 5-  
  
------------------------  
  
What do we live for,   
  
if it is not to make life   
  
less difficult for each   
  
other?  
  
---------------------------  
  
I stood staring at the door thinking for some reason that he would come back, but I should know better considering the last time I hoped he would come back to me he flew half way across the world. I decided he wasn't coming back so dug through my purse for the photos I brought of the boys. I grabbed the three picture, an indivual one of each of the boys, the first one was of Jeremy, at Christmas, with his hair done like his father does his hair, they have the same type of hair. With his blue button up shirt on, hanging out of his baggy blue jeans. I loved this picture of Jeremy. The next of Logan at the park, sand in his curly blonde hair and a huge smile on his face like always in dirty blue jean shorts and a blue t-shirt. Then next of them both at a friends birthday party. I found a pen and scribbeld there names on the back of the photos, and then slipped them into his locker making my way out of the building.   
  
------------------------  
  
Our greatest glory is   
  
not in never failing,   
  
but in rising up   
  
every time we fail.  
  
--------------------------  
  
I walked up to Susan door and knocked. No one answered, I had planned on being later then this, so Susan might have taken the boys to the park like she said she was going to. So I sat down on the steps and enjoyed the warm may day. I was upset that things did not go as planned, but it didn't surprise me that we fought, hell the last month and a half we were togther all we did was fight. How is this any different? I hope he got my pictures. I looked at my watch it was 4:30, I hope that they won't be much longer but I do know the fresh air will be good for both of them. "So this is where your hiding out?" A voice said quietly. I looked up and it was none other then John Carter. "Uh- Hi!" He smiled weakly.  
  
"I'm sorry about early, I guess but I'm pissed off Abby, I think I will be for a long time this isn't something I can just get over. It will take time, but in the mean time I want to meet my kids." I nodded knowing he was right and that I could expect him to accept my apology so quickly. He walked closer to me and pulled out the picture I had stuck in his locker. "So this is them huh?" He asked a small smile forming on his lips.   
  
"Yeah." I said smiling also.  
  
"Their Beautiful." he said his smile getting bigger.  
  
"Yeah they are beautiful" I said leaning in closer to Carter and the pictures.  
  
"How is Logan so blonde?" He asked laughing.  
  
"I don't know! That's what I wonder." I said also laughing. He turned to me and smiled and for once in a long time I felt what I use to feel when I was around him. OUr eyes locked and there we sat staring at each other.  
  
"Mommy!" Logan exclaimed pounding up the stairs, I looked down at his sand covered face and that at Carter who look amused. "Hi Logan!" I said picking him up and putting him on my lap." Jeremy was held by Susan.   
  
"Hi Carter, Jeremy's pretty tired, he didn't nap. You want me to put him upstairs to sleep?" I looked at Carter.  
  
"I'll put him upstairs, when I come in." I said as Susan walked up the stairs with a sleepy Jeremy. "Okay well I'm going to bed." Susan said plopping Jeremy into Carters, lap Carter looked awkward at first and then got a hold of the little boy who curled up into his arms. "Bye, Susan thanks." I said. Carter waved and she shut the door.   
  
"Don't let him go to sleep or else he won't sleep tonight." I instructed.  
  
"But he's so tired." Carter whined.   
  
"Jeremy, Honey, this John." Jeremy looked up and gave a shy smile.  
  
"John! Why did Susan call you Carter?" Logan asked playfully.  
  
"That's my nick name."  
  
"Oh...How do you know my mommy?"   
  
"He asks a lot of questions."  
  
"He's three that's what they do. We're old friends." Not knowing what else to say.  
  
"Oh. Do you have any kids?" I didn't know what to say to that.   
  
"Okay honey lets get you guys upstairs." I said putting Logan on my hip. Carter carried Jeremy, with his head resting on Carters shoulder. "He's a sleep." Carter whispered. I looked at Jeremy, and noticed that he was asleep. "Okay well we can wake him up, and I'll put him to bed early tonight." I didn't want Jeremy sleeping now or I knew the chances of me getting him back to sleep were slim to none. Carter placed Jeremy on the couch, and then looked at me. "Just gently wake him up."   
  
Carter soothingly rubbed Jeremy's back then whispered gently in his ear that it was time to wake up. Jeremy looked up with big brown eyes that were half open. He stared at Carter who stared up then picked up him and walked into the wash room with him. I slowly followed, double checking to make sure Logan was okay playing with his cards.   
  
There Carter was with Jeremy at the sink, and they were splashing water on their faces, Carter telling Jeremy it was the best way to wake up and, Jeremy splashing water or Carter and then laughing goofily. I smiled as Susan walked over to me. "What are you-" I pointed and she smiled with me.   
  
---------------------------  
  
Set me free oh, I pray  
  
Closer to heaven above  
  
and closer to you.  
  
...closer to you...  
  
-----------------------------  
  
"So...That's them." Carter said as we walked outside.  
  
"Yeah that's them." I could see that he was a little more comfortable with everything now then he was earlier. "Well how about you, me and the boys go over to McDonald's and grabbing something to eat. Kids like McDonald's. Right?"   
  
"Uh- yeah they like it...But I'm not sure that's such a good idea Carter." I was now kind of scared of what he would say.   
  
"What why not? It won't be a date, I don't want to go down that road, not now, not with you." I could tell he was angry and defensive.  
  
"Excuse...I can't believe you just said that. I don't think that's a good idea because I think we should ease you into the transition as their father, one hour is fine to start off with."   
  
I was now, angry and so was Carter, he was carelessly kicking his feet at the ground and snarling at me. "You know what Abby, I thought we could work this out between the two of us, but now I'm thinking that may not be possible, maybe court is the right idea."  
  
"Is this what your going to do every time you don't get your way is get your big bad lawyers and sue my ass? Then you know what Carter you go ahead and do that, you wouldn't last a day as single father." We were both screaming at this point and it was taking all my strength not to grab him and strangle him. "Is this punishment, for going off to Africa, because taking my sons away form me for 3 years, is punishment enough, at least in my opinion, but no it's always poor Abby who has to run away, from all her little problems, who has to be the one who gets all the pity when the road gets a little bumpy."  
  
"You know what Carter, you don't deserve to be their father, they're to beautiful and perfect for you."  
  
"Go to hell." With that he jogged across the street and was on his way.   
  
------------------------------  
  
I can please only one   
  
person per day.   
  
Today is not your day.   
  
Tomorrow isn't looking   
  
good either. -------------------------------  
  
Authors Notex2- Okay so that is the 5th Chapter, I was really bored today and decided to come up with this story, I hope you all have enjoyed what you've read so far...I have put quotes, songs and such at the end and beginning of each chapter and sometimes in the middle, I've tried to make them apply to the Carby relationship, but if you don't think they do just say so, and I'll try to find ones that better apply, because I'm not so sure some of them do. Thanks keep reading! Also the chapter titles kind of suck, so being looking for those to change because they most definitely will, oh and keep your eye out for my other stories, if you like this one you might like them too.   
  
peace out! 


	7. Helping out

Authors Note: Okay, I know this isn't very Carby yet, but it is getting there this chapter has a little bit of lovey dovey interaction, so keep reading and as always please review thanks so much!  
  
Chapter 6-  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
never say forever coz forever isn't real  
  
forever's what u think and forever's what u feel  
  
so if u say forever please promise that you'll try  
  
but never say forever coz forever makes me cry  
  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
"So?" Susan pushed as I opened the door, to the apartment.   
  
"Hey, how about we have a quick meal and a movie and get you kids up to bed early tonight okay?" I could feel the tears sting my eyes as I was looking at my beautiful children. I couldn't imagine life without them. "Hey Abby, are you okay?" Susan asked putting her hand on my arm. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I wiped my eyes and then walked over to the carpet to spend time with them, while I had it.   
  
------------------------------------  
  
Love wasn't love till I met you  
  
------------------------------------  
  
"Mommy, do we have to go to bed?" Logan asked as I flung him over my shoulder.  
  
"Yes, Logan you have to go to bed." Jeremy climbed up the stairs slowly, so I bent down and put him on my hip. "Mommy, I could of done it." Jeremy, whined.  
  
"Not tonight, maybe another time okay, we're just going to go to bed tonight its been a long day." Jeremy put his head on my shoulder like he always did, but this time it meant more to me then it ever did before. I knew Carter could win my boys he could hire the best lawyers ever, some how I had to stop him. I could give him visitation rights, but what happened when I go back to New York?  
  
"MOMMY" Logan hollered from his bed.  
  
"Yes!" I was tired and exasperated and I knew I was not going to get any sleep tonight.  
  
"Who was that guy?"   
  
"What guy?"  
  
"The guy who called Carver." I laughed at his attempt to say Carter.  
  
"Carter, oh he's a friend from work."  
  
"I liked him." Jeremy tossed in. I shut the light then went downstairs.  
  
"So what happened out there?" Susan asked while cleaning up the kitchen. I came up beside her and started to load the dishwasher. "What do you mean?" I feigned ignorance.  
  
"I heard Screaming." No hiding from this one I guess.  
  
"Yeah, Carter wants to try to get custody of Logan and Jeremy." I was trying no to cry now. "He wouldn't." I laughed, that's the exact same thing I thought.  
  
"I know, but he would."   
  
"What brought this on."  
  
"Our fighting, I just wanted to ease him into the fathering process you know, not make him come on too hard." Susan nodded like she knew what I was talking about.  
  
"Well you should go talk to him now."   
  
"Now. No, I can't leave you with those two." I say. I really was hoping she would just tell me to go, so I could work this whole situation out and life could be perfect and blissful again. "No, just go." My hoping paid off, I smiled and left immediately.   
  
------------------------------  
  
When your ready to look  
  
into the eyes of true love,  
  
it turns its head   
  
-------------------------------  
  
I ran to the Carter mansion and banged on the door, no one answered, and tonight I was feeling very impatient, so I banged again and rang the doorbell..... Still no answer.  
  
"CARTER!" I hollered, I knew he must of heard me.  
  
"JOHN CARTER" I screamed this time even louder.  
  
Suddenly, a window opened and a head was stuck out. "Ms., Mr. Carter is at work tonight." I looked up, feeling kind of foolish,   
  
"Oh I thought he worked today."  
  
"Yes, he was off, at 4 and works the 9- 9 shift." Oh, I now i felt stupid and foolish.  
  
"Would you like Me to give him a message." I shook my head and waved turning away.  
  
shouting no thanks into the wind.   
  
"Hey, Jerry, Its Abby. Is John there?" I heard him tell me to hang on, as I rounded the bend in the car.   
  
"Hello Abby?" Carter asked rather suspiciously.   
  
"John yah, when's your break?" I pushed,   
  
"Why?" Great he was being a pain n the ass, why did I ever love him.   
  
"I want to talk to you."   
  
"Well I'm not on until 10, and its 9:25, so I guess we have time to talk if your quick."  
  
"I'm here now." I said standing in front of him, closing my cell phone.  
  
"Hi," He said a small smile crossing his lips, it reminded me of the time, he flew to Omaha to be with me and my crazy family. "Uh- do you want to go for walk or something." I nodded in agreeing, and walked with him to the lounge. He opened his locker and pulled out a nice light jacket wrapping it around his body. I stood about 3 feel behind him and noticed the pictures of the boys up on the door, this made me smile, and then sitting right beside it was a picture with his arms around my waist from behind, we were both smiling, remember this because it was taken at one of the parties we had attended together.   
  
He turned around and I wiped the smile off my face and turned around to look at the pictures on the cabinet. "Uh you ready?" He asked, as he lead the way out of the lounge. I stayed two steps behind at least as we made our way past the deli that once was Doc Magoo's. We continued to walk until we got to our spot on the river, he stood leaning against the rail. I stood behind him, and watched him look out on to the river, his hair blowing in the wind and a frown plastered on his face. "Please don't take them away from me." I begged moving closer to him.  
  
"Why not you took them away from me." He hissed not moving from his spot.  
  
"Yes and that was wrong, I never should of deprived you or them of that relationship, it wasn't my decision, but at the time its what felt right." I hoped he would let me off, but I knew it wasn't that easy, not with Carter.  
  
"Abby," he started as he flung his body around facing me. "I don't want to take them away from you that's the last thing that I would want to do, but you left me no choice."   
  
I could feel the tears burning my eyes. "John please." I begged "Don't do this. I'll do anything." He raised his eyebrows and a sickening feeling hit me. HARD! "Move back to Chicago." I wasn't sure if this could actually work.   
  
"We could work something out if you move back." He continued, he was right we probably could, but that would mean up rooting the boys and myself from New York.   
  
"Uh- I don't Know." Carter looked at me. "Okay, I guess I could think about it." Carters face lit up and he pulled me into a hug. I was surprised but hugged him back resting my head on his chest, as his chin found the top of my head when we were interrupted by an annoying beeping sound. He looked down at his pager keeping one arm around my back. "Shit, its work." He said picking up his phone and dialling the number as he walked back pulling me by the hand. "I heard Carter nod. Okay, we're coming now, right away." Carter started to run as he hung up the phone pulling me. "What's' wrong?" I was beginning to get worried. "Susan she brought the twins in, one of them, had a seizure and fell out of bed hitting their head on the end table" I was shocked and my knees went weak. "Oh my god." Said stopping. Carter pulled me. "I can't, oh my god."   
  
"Abby, we have to go." Carter said pulling me, I wiped my eyes.   
  
"I can't believe-" Carter put his hand onto my shoulders,   
  
"Abby, we don't know how bad this is so lets get there and find out." He said now running in front of me.   
  
We both made it into the hospital out of breathe and running to the exam room on pure adrenaline. "Mommy" I cried looking at him, running towards me, Susan walking behind him with her tear streaked worried face, Carter bent down and grabbed the running arms in his hand picking him up and planting a kiss on his cheek. "Hey, Buddy. Mommy and I are just going to go see your brother, want to come?" He nodded and we walked in, I lead the way, Carter grabbed for my hand and rubbed my fingers, as I walked in.   
  
---------------------------  
  
if your Heart is in your  
  
dream, then no request   
  
is too extreme!  
  
---------------------------- 


	8. Feeling it again

Authors Note: Okay so I'm kinda loosing interest in this story I don't really no what else to write lol and I don't know if that many people are interested but I'll keep posting as long as you keep reading and reviewing thanks to the people who have been your comments mean a lot too me and are what kept me writing. If you have any thing u think should happen in the chapter after this jus say so and I'll most likely do it.   
  
Chapter 7-   
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
Sometimes I remember When we were together Everything was perfect In each and every way You loved me forever, and more each day I should have known It was too good to be true I held my head high And tried and tried, to say goodbye I thought about our memories And all the good times The times I had you So tight in my arms And knew that it was true That I'd love you forever and that's what I'll do   
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Holding tight onto Carters hand I walked in. Logan was grabbing onto Carter as he kept whispering don't worry everything's going to be okay into his ear. I wish it was that easy. Having Carter around and having him hold my hand brought a sense of relief. I looked back at him and he nodded. I bent down and planted a kiss on Jeremy's cheek, he was intubated, and had tubes all over him, Luka walked in looking down at the ground as he walked over to us. He nodded his headed and began to speak, "Jeremy, had a seizure, and hit his head, he had a blood clot, so we put him on thinner, we think he should be okay, he has a concussion, and epilepsy. I looked up my grip tightening on Carters hand as he brought me closer putting his arm around my upper back. "I'll let you be alone." Luka said as he walked away, I couldn't speak my baby, was lying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of every which way. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes as Carter brought me into his chest, I layed my head against his chest as I had before and he placed gentle kisses on my head, as Logan ran his fingers through my hair. "It's okay Mommy." Logan said, I looked up at his big eyes and found comfort, and pulled myself together, for my boy. "I know baby," I said bring his head down and kissing him on the nose. Carter rubbed his arm "Hey Logan what say you and I head over to the ice cream shop and get some ice cream." He said with eyes, Logans eyes went just as big, as Carters as they headed out the door, Carter turned and looked at me and gave me a wink as I moved forward toward my babies bed. I bent down and laid a million kisses upon his sleeping head. I heard the door open and knew who it was. "Susan took him?" I asked without looking up from Jeremy.  
  
"Yeah uh- she said, yah she said she didn't mind." I nodded as he same up behind me and sat down on the chair, "when's their birthday?" He asked not taking his eyes off the beautiful sleeping body in front of him. "uh next week April 21st."   
  
I went to sit down forgetting Carter was already sitting in the uncomfortable hard chair, I sat down on his lap immediately feeling embarrassed. As I jumped to get up he stopped me. "No its okay," He said putting a hand on my leg. I leaned forward and looked at Jeremy some more. "You think, you think he's going to be okay?" I asked wiping a tear from my eye. "yes" Carter said simply, its like he was so sure, he hasn't been more sure of anything. "He's your baby, he was raised by you that makes him a fighter." I hoped he was right. I hope he would be fine. "You know I love these boys more then anything else in my life, they were my hope when I had none, they made me feel alive, they made me feel young and they reminded me of you." I wiped my eyes trying not to cry again.   
  
"I wish, I had the chance to be there dad, I wish I had the chance to be with you, you left but I can't be mad at you for that because I left you too." I turned around and looked at him square in the eyes. "I'm sorry, I hated you for everything that happened, and I took them away which wasn't right of me. No matter how much I hated you I should have never let my feelings get in the way of what was right and I did." He nodded, as if we had made a truce. "I just, I just really need him to be okay." I could feel the tears coming now. Carter pulled me into a hug and I cried on his shoulder for a while, until Carter pulled away and looked at Jeremy whose eyes had opened a little, I looked at him and grabbed for his hand rubbing it with my. "Hey, sweetie we're here don't worry." Carter went to the end of the bed leaving me the chair and rubbed his forehead and gave him a small kiss.   
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
What happened? I'm not sure Everyone asks I tell them I don't know Every time I see you You look right through me Was something ever there to begin with? Yes. No. I still can't let go. I keep trying But you're locked in my heart You took my breath away with your smile You broke my heart with your silence I wish you would talk to me Just be a friend Things have happened And I needed someone to talk to That's when I wish you were still there I'm done trying to get something back that's over  
  
But I'm still here for you Forever   
  
-------------------------------------------------------------  
  
We walked over to the deli to quickly get some food neither of us wanted to leave Jeremy or Logan, but we were hungry and Luka said he would stay with them and the nurses said they would play with Logan. "I was thinking, Maybe you should stay with me, til the wedding and everything gets sorted out." Carter said as we stood in line I immediatly turned to look at him. "What would you like?" The scruffy old man asked roughly. "Uh- Ham and Cheese, mayo, a little lettuce but not more then what you can fit into a the centre of your palm, and a tad of muster,on the top of the bun, and onions,Abby" Carter said nudging me out of my trance. "Yeah whatever he's having" I was confused by his question and now eating something that sounded just as confusing. The man made and wrapped our food while I got back on topic. "Live with yuo."  
  
"Temporarily. That way Jeremy can be in what will be his own room and Logan can be in his and you know your not infringing upon Susan."   
  
"You think I'm infringing?"   
  
"No, not at all."  
  
"So we'll be living in the manson?"  
  
"No, sold the mansion. I have a nice quaint little apartment. uh- 2 bedroom." he said grabbing our bagged food as we left the diner. "Were will I sleep?"  
  
"my bed." It's like he had this planned the from the first day I got here.  
  
"I couldn't do that."  
  
"Why not, I would be happy on the couch its a pullout." I was flabbergasted, we were talking like the old days and he was giving up his bed for me.   
  
"Carter." He stopped and placed himself directly infront of me, holding onto my arms lightly. "Hey, its fine I wanna be around you and the kids its what I wanted since I knew I had kids and I've wanted you for well ever." With that he walked into the hospital with me chasing after him with a big ole grin across my face. "Hey wait that's my sandwich." I said.  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
I am here and you are there Only the ground separates us But as each day goes by We see the same sun rise and fall And I know that you will always be there  
  
------------------------------------------------ 


	9. Holding me tight late at night

Authors Note: Okay so this is chapter 8 chapter nine if you want to include prologue.   
  
I hope you all like it so far...  
  
Chapter 8-  
  
"So this is it." We walked into his mediocre size apartment, it was clean, I could tell he cleaned just because we were coming. "Uh- the boys room is right down that hall." Carter said nervously, his nervousness made me smile he's cute. I held Jeremy tight as we walked into the back, it was amazing, the room was painted a baby blue, with a border of blue and red, and yellow trucks and cars, the border centred and each boy had their own car bed one red and one blue one. Each boy had a red and white dresser and red and white end table with a red car lamp and a blue car lamp matching the bed. At the end of the bed was a toy box. "Look mommy cars!" Logan screeched running and jumping on the blue car bed. "Yah, you're right it is a nice bed and room, why Carter you've really outdone yourself this time, its great." I carried Jeremy over to his red bed and laid him down under the car comforter. "I want to play." Logan said tossing out cars and action figures out of the box. "Well why don't you let Jeremy sleep and bring some toys out and play in the living room." Carter said, picking Logan and a pile of toys up. I followed them out and watched as Carter sat down and played cars with Logan. "Mommy, can we keep the toys, and beds and stuff." Carter looked up at me as Logan continued to play. "Do we have to give them back when we go back home." I looked and Carter and went down and picked up Logan and brought him back to the couch so I could talk to him, Carter jumped up next to me bringing a car with him. "Logan, uh- we-"   
  
"Mommy." Jeremy's little voice said as he walked his way out of the bed, curling up on the couch next to Carter. "Hey, Jeremy, I was just about to tell Logan that we are going to move here to Chicago." Logan looked up at me and then shrugged, "And yes Logan you get to keep the toys, because this is going to be one of your homes."   
  
"Why?" Jeremy asked sleepily.  
  
"Because this is your daddy, Jer." I said looking down at Logan and then to Jeremy and Jeremy and Logan both looked at Carter and Jeremy put his head on Carters lap yawning. "I thought we didn't have a daddy, I thought daddy sucked." Logan said playing with a toy car. Carter looked at me amused "I sucked."   
  
"That's what uncle Ewic said." Logan continued. Figuring Carter and I would deffintly be having a conversation about this later. "Well, this is your daddy."   
  
"Our real daddy?" Logan said staring at Carter.  
  
"Yes dummy." Jeremy said groggily.  
  
"Hey don't call him that." Carter said jumping into father mode.  
  
"So are you and mommy married?" Jeremy pushed.  
  
"No, honey we're not married." I answered   
  
"oh"   
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Love wasn't put in your heart to stay Love isn't love till you give it away  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
"They think I suck?" I continued to clear the plates from dinner, as Carter loaded the dishwasher. "No, Eric thinks you suck." He clearly wasn't impressed with this by the look on his face. "Look, things were bad with us they were really bad, and I don't want the boys to be around anything like that I'll talk to them and Eric and you won't suck anymore and we can be good." I explained easily.   
  
"Okay. They really like that Thomas engine guy huh?" Carter said as he walked into the living room watching them. "Yes he's their favourite." Suddenly he turned around with a more serious look on his face. "What?"   
  
"Uh, Abby I think if we're going to make this arrangement work we've got to go back 3 years." Doing this will defintly result in a nice little fight.  
  
"Carter I don't know if this is such a good idea."  
  
"I loved you Abby, A LOT. You were my world and you left."  
  
"You left first." Okay call me childish but its true.  
  
"Yeah but not with your babies." Now he was hitting home. Hard.  
  
"Look Carter, things were bad, real bad you weren't accepting the fact that my brother was sick and you just expected me to leave him out there. In god knows where, where god knows what could happen, I wanted to be with you and him, and you, you just didn't care about my obligations you just cared about your own." I said walking into the bed room. "Oh so now everything is my fault? Poor little Abby does nothing ever." His voice getting louder. "Keep your voice down their going to hear you. You tried to change me. You tried to make me something I'm not, you wanted me to change so I was good enough for you." Carter was looking angrier by the second.   
  
"Look Abby I chased after you around the god damn world, I came home early for you, I worked extra shifts for you, I did everything in my power to keep that damn thing working and you just acted selfish you were the selfish one, you were the one-" a knock at the door interfered with our argument, Carter opened the door and there was Logan with the phone in his hand. "Mommy, a man wants you." I smiled and grabbed the phone from him. "Thanks Logan." Carter looked at me then picked Logan up and tossed him over his shoulder, "Hey buddy, you want to play cars?" I heard Logan laugh and say yeah!  
  
"Okay, I'm going to put Jeremy to bed first." Carter said, I had a feeling Jeremy would be in bed quickly. "Hello."   
  
"Hey Abby its Luka how is Jeremy?"   
  
"He's better thanks. He is sleeping a lot though kind of dehydrated and he's taking his epilepsy medication as order by you...Doctor." I heard his nice accent laugh.  
  
"I'm glad, they're good boys, very nice kids."   
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Hey I was just calling to see if you wanted to go for dinner with Sam and I tomorrow night, maybe Carter could come too if you want?"   
  
"Uh- yeah tomorrows good, I'll ask Carter if he wants to come." I said lying, knowing I didn't want Carter to come at least not with the way we are now.  
  
"Could you ask him now, we want to make reservations." Oh no, this means we need to find a babysitter to relieve Susan's of these two.  
  
"I don't know Luka, I mean Jeremy just got home what about in two nights?" I hoped this would be okay.   
  
"Sure, you know Sam's son could baby-sit he's very responsible. I can bring him by tomorrow if you would like to meet him." I looked at Carter who gave me and angry stare. "uh- yah, yah sure. That sounds great, Luka." I said not taking my eyes off of the Lego city and cars everywhere. "So ask Carter."   
  
"Carter," He stared at me angry, "Luka- Luka wants to know if you want to go out for dinner, you, me and Sam, 2 days from now, Sam's son will baby-sit." He looked at me with a pained look on his face. "No, I'd rather stay with the boys." I thought that was kind of rude. "Carter, please come for me." He shook his head and Logan smiled up at him.  
  
"go, with Mommy, I think she loves you." He said giggling making me blush.  
  
"Yeah. Okay, I'll go." He said picking Logan up and singing loudly "WE ARE GOING TO BED!" Making Logan laugh.   
  
"Uh- yes we will, we will go with you." I said glumly.   
  
"Everything okay?"   
  
"Yes, I'm fine, thanks Luka." I lied. I really wasn't fine, I wished everything with John would just go to the way they were before, Africa, and funerals and sick brothers.   
  
"Okay, well I have to go Luka. Bye." I said hanging up and crawling into bed sticking a pillow over my head, wow would a drink ever be nice now, but I couldn't do that not to my boys, not too myself. I missed Carter, but I knew going back to the way things were before the twins were born would be impossible. I loved Carter I think, I mean I know I cared about him, but I never thought that we had real true love. I wasn't sure why, but our relationship felt as though I was the one who needed someone to lean on and he wanted me to be something I wasn't...Perfect. Now was different though. Now I felt strong enough that I didn't need someone else to carry some of my load, now I needed someone to love me and want me. I had quit smoking and drinking, I quit both when I was pregnant and damn Carter was lucky he wasn't around then. My mother and brother were both on their meds, mom and Eric were both holding down jobs, and Eric was in a serious healthy relationship I was really happy for them. I wasn't sure how Carter felt about me at the moment, but I knew that I saw Carter differently then I did 3 years ago, I saw him as and open, happy, friendly, loving man. A man that welcomed those two boys into his life with open arms. "Hey," Carter said, as I lifted the pillow off of my head slightly taking a peek and groaning, pretending like I didn't want him their, but secretly I was glad he was here. I wanted to work out our fight. I felt him sit down on the bed then lie down next to me.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry. I just want whatever's going on with us to not have our horrible past attached to us, I want us to start fresh, you me and the boys yah know?" I lifted the pillow off of my head and placed it under my head. "I know me too." I said turning my head towards him and smiling. "Truce?" He said holding out his handI took it and shook it hard, he started to laugh, I loved his laugh. "Jeremy, he's a trooper." I smiled my Jeremy was a trooper. "Yah, he's always been the slower one of the two, the one who hasn't started potty training, he's shyer, he's a sweetie though." Carter smiled then nodded.   
  
"Yeah, Logan he's pretty outgoing and funny." He said with a small smile. "I love them a lot. You know...we can work out a schedule for when u move here, yah know, you can live here as long as you need too." I smiled, I liked New York but it would be nice to live in Chicago again, I had all my old friends and everything. "I can get you a job at county, we can get a nanny if we really, really need one. What did you do before?"   
  
"I had Eric watch them, day cares, babysitters, anything I could think of." I answered we lied next to each other, his hands crossed over his chest and mine at my side, our heads were turned towards each other. "That sounds like a haul." I nodded, it really and truly was. "I talked to Weaver, you have yourself a nursing job." He said with a big goofy grin on his face. "Thank you." It was weird how nicely we were getting along lately.   
  
----------------------------  
  
from A to Z all that   
  
really matters is U and I   
  
-----------------------------  
  
"When Logan was two, He pulled down his pants in the supermarket and said I have a pee, pee." I said in between bouts of laughter. Carter joined in.  
  
"really? He did that, he's so funny." Carter said laughing. I looked over at the clock, it was 12:30, I knew Carter had to work in the morning. I didn't want him to leave though.   
  
"Hey I'm just going to go get ready for bed, you can stay here as long as you want though I don't mind." I said as I walked into the washroom shutting the door behind me letting a small smile cross over my lips. I hoped he would still be there when I got out, I really wanted to spend more time with him.   
  
"Hey," I looked up and saw Carter lying on my bed in scrub pants and a white t- shirt, he was flicking through the channels on the television. I climbed into bed under the covers while Carter was still on top of the blankets. "Well I'll go and let you sleep." He started to sit up. "Uh- you, don't have to go we can watch TV or something." He smiled then lied back down. "Abby, we don't want to do this?" He said in a sing song voice.  
  
"Yeah..."   
  
"Let's not do this."  
  
"Do what?" I was now curious as to what he was going to say, I don't want to sleep with him just he makes me feel good. "You know, this we can't you know-"  
  
"Carter, I just liked spending time with you, I mean we never really, I don't know did this." I said I could feel myself blushing. He smiled a wide smile.  
  
"You're right, look, um I work tomorrow, and everything but I don't work the next day so I don't know we could just hang out if you want?" I nodded gleefully, he was now sitting up. "Okay, I'm going to be." He said with a tiny yawn  
  
"Yeah me too, I'm beat, thanks for the bed." Carter nodded bent down and placed a small kiss on my nose. Which shocked me I didn't expect that.   
  
-----------------------------------------------  
  
I think about you day and night... I swear that your Mr. Right, I'll love you more then you'll ever know.. Baby, that's why I'm never letting yah go  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
"Logan, come eat your cheerio's. Jeremy use your spoon." I heard a voice saying from the kitchen. I looked at the alarm clock 6:50, I knew Carter was on at 8:00, why didn't he wake me, I would have looked after them. I got up opened the door and leaned up against the door frame. Watching him parent them. Jeremy was wearing at least half on the cheerio's and Logan was making goofy faces. "Hey guys listen to your dad." I said walking up to Jeremy and wiping the cheerio's off of his face. "Mommy, I like eggs." I looked down at Logan's plate of eggs. "Yeah I know baby." I walked over to Carter who was cleaning up the kitchen, "Hey, thanks you didn't have to do this, you should have woke me up." Carter smiled at me then put his arm around me kissing the top of my, then walking up to each of the boys and doing the same. "I'm going to take a shower." He said walking into the washroom. I loved how he could so casually kiss me and make me feel like the only women on the planet. 


	10. how the tides turn

Authors Note: Alright I have a plan of where this going now. So just keep reading and hold on to your hats its going to be a bumpy ride. heh.   
  
Chapter 9-  
  
-------------------------------  
  
I believe in angels, the Kind that heaven sends ...I'm surrounded By angels, but I call Them my best friends  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"So things are going great with you and Carter?" Susan asked munching on her fry. We sat in McDonalds. "Yeah its weird he said tonight we are going to sit up and talk. I guess I didn't realize how much I liked him being around until I got to be with him again."  
  
"Are you guys going to you know, work things out?"   
  
"I don't know, I miss him, I think I really am feeling something for him. I mean I don't know when we are together my stomach flips and my knees go weak and I feel like a silly school girl." I could feel myself blushing, it was true though.  
  
"Aw, I know you guys are meant to be I can feel it, I can just tell."   
  
"I don't know if he feels the same though. I get the feeling he doesn't love me. Not like he use too, or at all." This made me sad to think about it. I looked at Logan and pointing to his burger signalling for him to eat it first, I didn't know why anyone did that, the burgers were just as horrible as the fries, "I don't know Abby I think he really does love you, I've seen you two together." I nodded.  
  
"I don't think so, I don't think he wants to go down that road again. I just maybe I don't want to go down that road either." I smiled, I didn't want to talk about this not now.  
  
"I like him." I looked down at Logan who had Ketchup smudged all over his,  
  
"Like who?" I asked.  
  
"Carter." He said with a smile. "He plays with me, and he's funny. I want you to marry him." I wish, maybe not, maybe I don't wish. Maybe I don't want to be with him either.   
  
I don't need him. "You know what Susan maybe I will move on with my life." Susan looked at me puzzled. "Mommy, can we go play?" Jeremy said tugging on my teacher. I nodded down at him and then ran off into the play centre. "What do you mean?" She asked, now seeming very curious. "I mean I don't think Carter and I will ever be good together. Or work, so maybe I should just move on."   
  
"Abby..." Susan started.  
  
"NO! I really, I can't do it and I don't want to do it to the boys."  
  
"Well if that's what you want, Chuck has a really cute friend I could set you up with."   
  
I thought about this, this would defiantly make Carter jealous, and for some reason I was feeling mean. "Yes, lets do it."   
  
----------------------------------  
  
I'm caught up in the Monday  
  
blues, I can barley take my   
  
mind off you its just a silly  
  
song about love and here   
  
comes the chorus.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
"Carter, I have a date tonight. can you watch the boys?" I said as I walked into the living room. Carter looked up at me shell shocked. "A date?" He said emotionless.   
  
"Yeah, with one of Chucks friends." I stuck an earring in my ear, and went to grab a cup of tea from the kettle. "Chuck, Susan's Chuck?" I nodded, not looking up.  
  
"I thought we were going to hang out tonight." I looked up his face had disappointment written all over it maybe he really did miss me. Oh well. "we can do it later. When I get back." I said, now he was the one who wasn't looking as he played with Logan and Jeremy. "Its just this could be a potential wedding date." I said a small smile crossing my lips. The only person I really wanted to go to the wedding with was Carter though.  
  
"Look Abby," he said getting up and walking towards me. "I didn't not sleep in their with you last night 'cause I didn't want to. I did it cause I didn't want to wreck what we have is good, we are better then we were when we were together and I want to be with you. I do. But I want it last and if that means I have to wait a life time to be with you. Then I'll wait forever, and a day." He said with a soft smile that made my heart melt.   
  
"Carter, its not about that. I just don't, I don't want to end up alone. I can't wait." He nodded then walked back to the boys. "Okay have fun with your date."   
  
---------------------  
  
Some people walk  
  
in the rain, others   
  
just get wet  
  
----------------------  
  
"So, I've worked at the store in accounting for about 6 1/2 years now. It's a good job." I nodded tiredly, hearing all about Harry's story, was well boring. "What do you do?" He asked with a smile playing on his lips. I looked at Susan who looked at Chuck and started talking about an accident victim they both dealt with. " I'm a nurse by day, mom by night." I said smiling. He laughed half heartedly.   
  
"Really, you have a kid?" He seemed to be okay with this.  
  
"Kids, twins." Now this seemed to thrill him even more.  
  
"REALLY??? I love kids, they're great. How old are they? boys or girls? What are they're names? Where's the father?" Susan stopped her conversation and looked at me after she heard the last question. "Uh- They are 3 in 2 days, they're boys, Logan and Jeremy. They're dad is actually at home watching them." He seemed a little confused.  
  
"Oh your home?"   
  
"No, his, but the boys are staying with him until we find a place in Chicago to live. We are moving out here in a few weeks, once we have our acts together we are going to move out here so they can be with they're dad." I explained, unwillingly.  
  
"Is he your ex-husband?"  
  
"Boyfriend. We dated for a year." He was the only thing I could think about now, what he said, about waiting forever. I wish, I could be with him now, not this boring account Harry. "What's his name?" I gave him a puzzled look.  
  
"John Carter." He laughed when he heard this name.  
  
"Carter, as in the richest family in Chicago." I nodded.  
  
"Really?" He seemed shocked  
  
"Yep." I said. Wishing I was with this John Carter right now.   
  
-------------------------  
  
No amount of sizzle   
  
will make a bad steak  
  
good  
  
--------------------------  
  
"How was the date?" I looked up to see Carter channel hoping, sprawled out on the couch.  
  
"Oh, horrible." I said plopping down on the couch, as Carter moved his feet.  
  
"Good." He said pausing at Jay Leno and then continued on his hunt to find the perfect TV show. "Good?" I said, kind of pissed at his comment.  
  
"Well if I can't have you then I don't want anyone else to."  
  
"That's kind of possessive isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah! They boys were good. We went to McDonalds for dinner." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"CARTER! That food is junk!"  
  
"I know." Carter said carefree.  
  
"Why are you being such an ass." I said slapping Carter on the leg. Carter flung his body around so he was sitting right next to me and turned off the television. He leant in so our faces were merely inches apart and looked at me squarely in the eyes. "Looking Abby, I told you how I feel. Its your turn to come clean about your feelings." The only thing I could think to do was what I did. I kissed him, a slow small passionate kiss, his lips parted as did mine. Suddenly we were off the couch and making our way to the bedroom discarding pieces of clothing on our way there. Our lips staying attached the whole way there.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
When one door closes  
  
another door opens;   
  
but we so often look so   
  
long and so regretfully   
  
upon the closed door,   
  
that we do not see the   
  
ones which open for us.  
  
---------------------------- 


	11. Oops

Authors note: Sorry it has been so long since I have posted a chapter but I hope you like this one. Its the best I could do. I haven't been inspired lately but this idea came to me, so I hope it goes well. Sorry if you find the story is dragging but expect the wedding chapter to be either chapter 12 over 13.   
  
Chapter 10  
  
--------------------  
  
Don't criticize my   
  
mess unless you'd   
  
like to become   
  
part of it  
  
--------------------  
  
"Mommy!" I heard a tiny voice, screech, then come thumping through the hall. Oh my God. Carter and I! Oh no what will I say to the twins, if they see us in bed?  
  
"Jeremy, let your mommy sleep. She doesn't get much of it yah know." The door was opened a crack, so I could see what they were doing out in the kitchen. Carter scooped Jeremy up into his arms. What a guy. I can't believe what had just happened, and that I let it happen. We can't have a one night stand, not with the boys this could ruin everything for them. I hopped out of bed realizing I was naked. I quickly went to the dresser and pulled out a big grey hooded sweat shirt of Carters, then I went through my stuff and pulled out my navy blue sweats. I decided I couldn't hide forever, so I went out into the kitchen. "Hi mommy." Logan said looking up momentarily from the TV. I walked over and patted his head. "Hey sleeping beauty!" Carter said from the table.   
  
"MOMMY! We got pancakes!" Jeremy said shoving another forkful in his mouth. I went over to his chair and picked Jeremy up and set him on my lap. "How did you sleep." Jeremy said with a huge grin spread across the width of his face. "Good. Honey." I looked up at Carter who was also smiling. "I'm going to watch TV. Okay mommy." I looked down at him and nodded. He jumped off my lap and then joined Logan on the floor.   
  
"So uh do you work today." I said breaking the uncomfortable silence between Carter and I. He got up and started clearing the table. He also was in sweat pants, with a Chicago bulls t-shirt on. His hair was matted down a little a the sides. "For a bit. Not till 5 thought I'll be home by midnight, its a short shift this one. I was hoping maybe we could take the kids to the park." I smiled thinking that would be nice.  
  
"yeah I'd like that." He continued to clean up the mess while I decided to take a shower, I didn't know what to make of this. I mean we had sex and all he can think of to say is lets go to the park? Men I don't get them.  
  
"Carter, can we go on the slide." Jeremy said pulling on carters hand as we made our way to the park. Carter looked down at Jeremy then glanced at me. I nodded at him, the boys ran towards the park as we made our way to a bench. "So?" Carter said turning his chocolate brown eyes to look at me. "So, what?" I asked, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "Last night. What was that?" I laughed a little.  
  
"You don't know what that was." He laughed a little too.   
  
"I mean, did that mean anything to you, 'cause it really, it really did mean something to me." I smiled a little.  
  
"Carter, John. I don't know, I miss you, A LOT! I mean one minute I feel like giving up on you, and then boom, I end up in bed with you. I just don't want us to take things to fast. I want to slow down a bit. I mean we have Jeremy and Logan, we can't do what we did last time. We have responsibilities. I don't want them to get hurt." John nodded sypathetically. "I get it. I just, I need to know if this is going somewhere. I really, need to know."   
  
"I don't know." I said shifting in my seat. I wrapped my leather coat tighter around my self, feeling the storm that was John Carter coming on. "Abby, I don't know doesn't cut it." I could tell he was getting quite flustered over the whole situation.   
  
"John, lets just see." He shook his head, his hair staying neatly intact despite this though.   
  
"I don't want to see. I want to know, is there a future for us. If there isn't then I'm going to move on, I'm going to find someone who will love me. Who won't throw me around wondering what's going to happen next. Besides, maybe you should find out what you want anyways. You don't have your life in order and never have." " He looked serious, maybe having sex with John wasn't such a good idea. I mean it was good sex. Always has been. I just don't want anything serious right now, I want to settle down here in Chicago a bit first.   
  
"Fine if that's what you want then that's what you can have." I said pulling out a cigarette and attempting to light it, although the wind was preventing this. He grabbed the smoke from my fingers, broke it in half and tossed it on the ground. "Don't smoke when the kids around." He said huffing off to play with the boys. I watched from the bench, wondering how we went from clearing things up to back to this. "Mommy, help." Logan giggled as John played with him in the sand. John laughed tossing Logan over his shoulder then going down the slide with him like that. I looked at John and smiled, would things ever be right between us? Who knew.   
  
---------------------------  
  
Consciousness- that   
  
annoying time between  
  
naps  
  
---------------------------  
  
"More chicken please." Logan said shoving his plate at John. John walked by fastening his tie around his neck as we ate our dinner. "I'll get it baby." I said getting up.  
  
"no." John said sharply as he took the plate from him.   
  
"Are you sad?" Logan asked turning to look at him. John looked at him and shrugged.  
  
"Yeah a little." He brought the plate full of cut up chicken and placed it infront of Logan.  
  
"Its okay daddy. I love you." Logan said grabbing Carter by the arm and bringing him down so he could kiss him on the cheek. Carter responded by pulling Logan out of his chair and hugging him and kissing him until he was rolling in laughter.   
  
"Do you love me too?" Jeremy asked with puppy dog eyes. John nodded placing Logan down and kissing Jeremy. I watched seeing how great a dad John was being to the boys. I wished one day we could make it work, some how.   
  
"I'm off to work." He said putting his shoes on not looking at me.  
  
"Bye." I said as loving as possible.  
  
"Yup." With that he was gone.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
If you do it you'll regret it,  
  
if you don't do it you'll   
  
regret it, either way your   
  
going to regret it, you   
  
might as well just do it  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Authors Note: Hey my next chapter of my other story is being posted soon. 


	12. new places, new spaces

Authors Note: I hope you enjoy this chapter, depending on how much work I have to do tonight there could be another one up by tomorrow.   
  
Chapter 11  
  
---------------------------  
  
Love is the only force   
  
capable of transforming   
  
an enemy into a friend  
  
----------------------------  
  
"So?" I sat on the floor, eating pizza and watching 'when Harry met Sally' with Jing Mie and Susan. "So what?" I asked Susan.   
  
"That's it? You had Sex and its over?" I nodded, then turned my attention towards the dust covered TV screen. "I'm kind of afraid of something a little more." I said never taking my gaze away from the television. "What." Jing Mei asked looking at me intently.   
  
"Pregnancy." I cringed. I couldn't believe I just told them this. I turned to look at them, as their faces dropped from curious to utter disbelief. "You didn't?" Susan asked. I slowly shook my head no.   
  
"I'm thirsty." A little voice said peeking his head at us.   
  
"Let me get you something Jeremy." Jing Mei said making her way over to the sink to get a glass of water, for the Winnie the Pooh Pyjama boy.   
  
"So...have you taken a test yet?" Susan pushed.  
  
"It was just yesterday Susan. I haven't even missed a period. I am fine." Susan looked at me and then shrugged her shoulders.   
  
I Knew Carter would be home in 2 and a half hours so I would have to get them out by then so maybe we could mend fences. Jing Mei picked Jeremy up and took him into his bed. "Don't say anything Susan." I said turning to look at her.   
  
"I won't, neither will Deb, but we better be going anyways." Jing Mei came out of the bedroom and they got ready to leave.   
  
I sat on the couch staring blankly at the late night infomercial that play across my screen, something about a waffle maker. I didn't know why I was still up. I knew it would take a few days before Carter completely cooled down. I should just give him time. I was just getting up when I heard the door creak open. I turned to see a tired looking Carter come in and place his bag by the door. "Hi." I said shyly, like I was asking him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, for Junior High. "Hey." He didn't seem to interested.   
  
"How was work?" I was trying to make small talk, I hoped he would take the bait.  
  
"Uh-good." I was a little perplexed by this because anyone who worked at county even for a week would know, that no shift was ever good. It was virtually impossible.   
  
"Good?" I asked back. He nodded and then a small smile formed on his lips.  
  
"Look I've got to get some sleep so I'll see you in the morning." He said plopping down on the couch and leaning his head back. "Okay." I said turning to leave then against my better judgement went back to him. "Did something happen?" I was now about a foot away from him, and he jerked his head forward. "Not really, I've got a date. For tomorrow night though, so if you wouldn't mind watching the boys without me." I nodded an envious feeling forming in the pit of my stomach. "Yeah, no problem. I've been doing it for this long by myself, I think I could manage one more night." I replied bitterly.   
  
He looked up at me and then sternly said "looked Abby your the one who wanted it this way so this is how it will be."   
  
"Who is she then?" I was kind of mean towards him, but he was not being very nice either.   
  
"A nurse, at work, Tanya. She's been here for a year, or at county for a year." I nodded then went into my room and put my face into my pillow. Heaving a deep sigh. I really messed up this time.   
  
--------------------------  
  
Happiness isn't getting   
  
what you want, it's   
  
wanting what you got  
  
--------------------------  
  
"Okay guys, lets go. Get your jackets on." Logan pulled his jean jacket over his navy blue hooded sweater. "Logan honey, you need to pull the hood out from under the jean jacket." Logan looked puzzled so I walked over to give him a hand. "Mommy, I can't find my other shoe." Jeremy said from the closet. I fixed Logan's shirt then pulled his jeans over his runners. "Jeremy, there right here honey." I said tossing the boy his shoes. He put them on then pulled his New York Yankees hat over his mess of matted hair, I had to remember to get that cut. Jeremy, looked so cute trying so hard to get him self ready. He even dressed him self in his red T-shirt and red pullover sweater and jeans. I was amazed at how well he was able to make his clothes match. Logan grabbed his snow hat and pulled it over his head. "Logan what are you doing." John said from the door way of his bedroom. He had just gotten out of the shower and his hair was puffed up looking very cute. "I'm getting ready." He smiled. I let him keep the hat on then grabbed my purse opening the front door letting them out. "Hey stay right there." I said as they tried to make their ways down the porch. "We're just going to find a place to live. We should be back in a while." I said to John.   
  
"Well why don't they stay here with me. It could get boring for them. "Yeah." Logan whined. I shook my head no.  
  
"I'd rather them come with me. We are going to find somewhere to live that we will all like."   
  
"Abby, just cause you are trying to punish me doesn't mean that you should punish the boys too." He retorted.   
  
"I'm not trying to punish anyone." I said shutting the door behind me.  
  
------------------------  
  
A bit of lusting after   
  
someone does   
  
wonders for the skin  
  
-------------------------  
  
"I like this one." Jeremy said plopping down on the floor in one of the many apartments we had been in today. "Hey, I'm sorry you guys, I know this has been boring for you but its almost over okay?" I said kneeling down and picking Jeremy up.  
  
I looked around the apartment, it had a fair size kitchen and a nice living room, a bathroom and 2 bedrooms. It was in our price range. "I think we've found what we've been looking for." I said to Jeremy and Logan, who was making his way out of the bed room. "I think we like this one." I said to the apartment manager, who was standing in the kitchen jotting things down on paper. "Good. Its yours." I usually they don't give you the apartment this quickly, but I was happy to have it. "Okay." I said sighing,   
  
"I'll need first and last months rent and references, just in case you know. You can move in a 2 weeks." I nodded then shock the mans hand, giving him a list of my references and walking out of the building.   
  
-------------------  
  
A guy is only as   
  
faithful as his   
  
options  
  
------------------- 


	13. getting by

Authors Note- Okay so this is chapter 12, I hope you all have been enjoying the story, please read and review, to tell me what you liked and dislike about the story so I could change that part around or make the story better.   
  
Chapter 12  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Guys If they do something   
  
right, they never do it again.   
  
If they have to do something   
  
again, they never do it right  
  
---------------------------------  
  
The wedding was in three days, tonight was the night Carter and I have dinner with Luka and Sam, I'm quite nervous, Carter and I have not been getting along well lately, his first date with the nurse has turned into a 2nd date, and he has even talked about taking her to the wedding with him. This makes me angry. I never should have told Carter I needed time, although it is true. If he really loved me he should have waited for me. I guess he has done a lot of waiting through out the last couple of years though. It's been 3 days since we had sex, and the twins have asked me at least 50 times since then if their daddy and I are going to get married and we could be a real family. "Guess what daddy bought us?" Jeremy said running in through the door and ripping off his windbreaker. "What?" I ask moving down to his eye level. "ICE CREAM" He screams. I laugh noticing the chocolate on his sweater. "It was good." He said as he flew into the living room to play with his trucks. "Jer, why don't we go watch your face and clean you up." Carter said lifting him up and swinging him over his shoulder. "I'm a neat eater." Logan said looking up at me from the door. I put my book down and pulled him onto my chest. "I know Logan." I said hugging him. rustling his long blonde hair. I knew this needed to but cut soon, Pratt said he looked like a girl when he came by the apartment yesterday to drop something off for Carter. I Had to stop Carter from decking him. "John, I'm going to take them to get their hair cut tomorrow for the wedding."  
  
"Yeah, good idea, Jeremy's hair is getting long." Logan laid across my chest playing with the strings from my sweater. "Are you ready for tonight?" I pressed. Carter nodded, setting Jeremy on the ground so he could play. "Carter." Logan called up to him. I never got Logan, he would never stick to calling Carter daddy, he would switch between Carter and Daddy. "Yeah."   
  
"Are you and mommy going to marry just like Luka." Carter laughed then pulled Logan off of my chest holding him high above his head. "No, baby. People marry when they are in love." He placed Logan on his hip. "So you don't love mommy?" Jeremy continued.   
  
"Hey, how about we change the subject." I said getting off of my place on the couch and moving over to the kitchen. "They deserve to know." I nodded, signalling that he could be the one to tell them. "I love your mommy very much. But we can't make it work." Logan looked puzzled and I wished he would just end the conversation it was breaking my heart.  
  
"So you would want to marry mommy, but mommy doesn't want to marry you?" Logan said turning to look at me. "No, not exactly. It's complicated, maybe when your older you will understand." Carter said putting Logan down. He nodded then joined Jeremy on the carpet. "I just don't want to move, I want to live with you and mommy." Logan said teary eyed.   
  
-----------------------------  
  
Tell me that you love me   
  
Tell me that you care   
  
Even if you're lying,   
  
That's what I need to hear  
  
------------------------------  
  
"They'll be here any minute Abby, hurry up!" Carter hollered at me from the kitchen. I put my last silver hoop in my ear and then exited the bathroom, wearing a sleek black dress, that ends just below my knees. I walked out to see Carter in one of his cut suits with the blue button up top on and a nice jacket over top, his suit was black and he looked very handsome. His hair was puffed just the way I liked it. The twins were already in their pyjamas Carter had insisted it would be easier on Alex that way. I was starting to question whether or not I actually wanted this child near my children but I didn't have a choice now. "Aw, mommy you look pretty." Jeremy said, from the table attempting to get up but Carters firm arm kept him at the table. "Thanks baby." I said walking over to him and placing a kiss on the top of his head. I felt Carters hand go on the small of my back as the doorbell rang. We made our way towards the door and he pulled me close his arm around my waist and his lips very close to my ear whispering to me "he's right you know, you look very pretty." This made me blush, he kept his arm around my waist as we made our way to the door. I wonder what Tanya thinks of us living together?   
  
John's hand reached for the knob and there stood a medium height skinny blonde boy looking about the age of 12, who had light freckles dabbed sporadically around his face, a skinny brown hair women with blond high lights who was pretty. Then the tall Croatian Luka, in a nice black suit. I smiled at them as Luka introduced us, Logan and Jeremy came running around the corner laughing and carrying on.   
  
"Alex, these are my sons, Jeremy and Logan." We had planned for the boys to meet Alex sooner but that could not be arranged. I had spoken to him briefly on the phone though.   
  
"Hi." Logan said excitedly. Jeremy held onto Carters leg hiding behind him.   
  
"Hey there Jeremy." Sam said leaning down to meet him. Jeremy clung on harder to Carters leg, acting very shy. Carter bent down and picked Jeremy up, Jeremy rested his head on Carter's shoulder. "Okay are we ready?" Luka said patting Alex on the back.  
  
He nodded then walked into the house, listening to Logan talk about his Lego. Jeremy stayed on Carters hip and did not seem to want to get off. "Okay, Jeremy, we will be home soon." Carter said putting him on the carpet in front of his toys. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" Jeremy shrieked. Carter grabbed my hand and shoved us all out the door figuring this was better then succumbing to Jeremy's fit. We made our way to the elevator, still able to here faint shrieks from Jeremy. Carter held onto my hand tighter then smiled a tight smile at me. I smiled back, Jeremy would soon be okay, I just worried how Alex would be dealing with this.   
  
"So, how's New York?" Luka asked as the waiter was taking away our dirty dishes.  
  
"Its busy." I smiled. It was a weird, uncomfortable kind of silence.   
  
"Yeah, seems like it. How's the hospital there?" Luka inquired.   
  
"Uh- its busy. Different from here." I received many nods from everyone around the table.   
  
"So, uh- I'm going to go to that washroom." Sam said getting up. I also felt the need to go so I followed behind her.   
  
"Are you two a couple?" Sam asked, as we reapplied our make up.  
  
"Oh- um. No." Sam shrugged looking perplexed.   
  
"I mean you guys look like a couple." I laughed lightly.  
  
"Yeah, we were at one point, about 4 years ago." I chuckled.  
  
"Yeah, your kids are really cute." I nodded.  
  
"Is he dating the nurse Tanya?" I swallowed. Hard.  
  
"Yeah, I guess, he's bringing her to the wedding."   
  
"Yeah, are you okay with that?"   
  
"I guess, he's a great guy. I guess we couldn't make it work though. It just wasn't meant to be."   
  
---------------------------  
  
Loves a two-way street   
  
and I think your car just   
  
died  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Yeah, he died after 30 minutes of recitation." Carter seemed to be informing Luka with a sigh. "Hey Abby, when do you start work again?" Luka asked as we took our seats.   
  
"Um, about a week and a half, the movers are bringing my stuff down in two weeks."   
  
Luka nodded his head and we went back to chewing silently in eerie silence. I wasn't sure why it was so weird I guess because of the three of us, but I thought we would have all moved on by then, maybe I was wrong. Maybe, the three of us would never be able to be fully comfortable around each other. I could hopefully have my individual relationship with each man though.   
  
Carter and I got out of the Car as Luka and Sam followed behind us. "That was a nice evening." Carter said shaking Luka's hand. The men nodded at each other as we opened the door to the apartment, Alex was watching late night television and eating pop corn. "How were they?" Carter asked. Noticing the messy house.   
  
"Uh- good." Carter handed him 30 dollars as he left. I walked towards the twins room finding neither of them in there. "Carter," He looked up from organizing the toys,  
  
"What?" I shook my head then made my way into my bedroom and found Logan sprawled out diagonally across the bed and Jeremy had his head resting on Logan's stomach. Carter came in behind me, placing his hand on my hips then grabbing my hand leading him into the room. I went into the washroom and got changed out of my clothes into my nice comfy pyjamas. I walked back into the bedroom to find Carter lying top less in his navy blue sweat pants with Jeremy lying along his chest and Logan lying next to them with his head on Carters shoulder. I climbed under the covers, Carter looked up at me groggily and smiled. I pulled Logan into my arms as he rested his head on my chest.   
  
---------------------------  
  
To the world your just  
  
one person but to one   
  
person you could mean   
  
the world  
  
--------------------------- 


	14. Party tears

Authors Note: Okay so this chapter 13, and I'm not really sure how much I like this fic, but I'm going to continue to write it because I started it. I feel I've left some things left unfinished in the story so over the next couple of chapter I hope to fix them up, so everything ties together in then end. Also this story is longer then I had once planned so now we're looking at chapter 14-16 for the wedding scene...LOL at least I got around to writing the dinner scene.   
  
Chapter 13  
  
--------------------------  
  
If you love somebody  
  
let them go. If they   
  
return, they were   
  
always yours. If they   
  
don't, they never were  
  
--------------------------  
  
I felt a soft nudging on my shoulder, I groggily shooed the hand away, and groaned. I felt the poke again, again I shooed it away. Then I heard a small whisper in my ear. "Mommy." The voice was small and that off my son. I looked down at him, then kissed the top of his head. "Happy birthday." Logan laughed loudly causing Carter and Jeremy to stir. I looked over at them, all of us still in the same places as last night. I rubbed his back as he continued to giggle into the pillow my boys were three years old. Jeremy put his head on Carters shoulder yawning, so I took Logan out into the kitchen to make him some breakfast. "Ma, can you make us pancakes." Logan said with wide eyes.   
  
"Yeah, anything for you." I started to prepare the pancake batter, as Logan played with his toy trucks on the carpet. Last night was interesting, Luka and Sam were cute together, they seemed comfortable together, it was just awkward putting the four of us in the same room, the tension was deffintly palpable. I liked spending time with Carter away from the kids, it would be nice if we could have a more formal 'date', but I knew this was no longer an option he and Tanya were now a couple, he told me though that he would not be going to the wedding with her but with the twins and I, the twins were the ring bearers, and we even arranged a babysitter so Carter and I could stay out later and enjoy the celebration. Tonight we had even planned a small party for the boys. He even has a few friends with kids, so he invited them, Susan, Chuck, Luka, Sam will all be coming, Pratt too, Gallant. Anyone at the hospital was invited hopefully it would be a good time. "Hi Jeremy." Logan said poking his head up from his cars. Jeremy walked out of the room tiredly. Carter trailing slowly behind him. "We get pancakes." Logan said getting up and following the sleepy heads. "Pancakes?" Carter said questioningly, I nodded. "Happy birthday boys." Carter said leaning down to hug Jeremy and Logan, I smiled getting in on the birthday hug and wishes.   
  
"What time is everyone coming?" Carter asked as we cleaned the table.   
  
"6." I replied not looking up. He nodded, I continued to bring the dishes from the table and stack them in the sink, when Carter stood in front of me not letting me by.   
  
"Okay, because I invited Tanya, is that okay with u?" I manoeuvred my way around Carter and roughly set the dishes on the counter, Carter sighed. "Abby, she IS my GIRLFRIEND." Those words caused a nice sharp pain in my chest.   
  
"I know, I know. I don't mind." I said feigning a smile.   
  
"Okay." He said patting me on the shoulder then leaving to play with the kids.  
  
Great the first time I meet this women is at my sons birthday party.   
  
-----------------------------  
  
Things maybe not what   
  
they seem but its just   
  
because life is messed up  
  
-----------------------------  
  
"I love PARTIES!" Pratt said dipping a chip into the chip dip.  
  
"Well this ones for 3 year olds, Pratt so put the tequila away." Gallant said sitting next to Neela his long time girlfriend and future wife. "Right there sergeant." Gallant rolled his eyes a Pratt's snide comment. All the adults sat in the living room, while the kids played, in the living room and bedroom. The infamous Tanya had yet to arrive and I was beginning to think maybe she wouldn't when I heard a knock at the door, Carter was in the washroom, so I decided I should get it, until he came charging around the corner and told me to take a seat and that he wanted to get the door. I heard him greet her, his voice very happy and peppy. I heard a few laughs and then I saw her, she has short brown hair, wavy hair, and brown eyes, she is short about my height and build too. I looked over at Susan and she nodded agreeing we looked very alike. "Hey, Abby this is Tanya." Carter said taking her by the hand and leading her to me. "Hi." I said getting out of my chair.  
  
"Mommy. When do we get to open presents." I heard Logan say.  
  
"Oh, Tanya this is one of my son's Logan." He said leaning down to pick him up.  
  
"Hi Logan." Tanya said nicely. I was really starting to hate this women.   
  
Logan buried his head in Carters shoulder. "He's a little shy." I said taking the young boy from Carter. "We'll open presents after cake." I said putting him down. His little eyes widen just like they did when I told him we could have pancakes this morning.  
  
"So where's the other twin?" Tanya asked scoping the place out.   
  
"Oh, Jeremy, here lets go find him." Carter said taking her hand and leading her through the apartment to hunt out for the other twin. I tinge of jealousy in my stomach. I walked over to Susan and we walked into the kitchen. "I know." Susan said laughing.  
  
"She's like your twin from a few years ago." Susan laughed  
  
"Maybe, he liked me that way. So he's reminicning." I sighed.  
  
"Don't worry about her, his heart lies with you. Trust me I know." Susan shrugged.  
  
"Maybe it did." I said leaving and going out to join the party.  
  
"Mommy, look its a truck!" Jeremy said running towards me. I picked him up and set him on my lap. "Next!" Logan said from Carters lap. Carter laughed.   
  
"Okay, this is from me and your mom!" The boys looked on eagerly, as Carter went to the room to get a big box wrapped in Tonka wrapping paper. The boys took a seat on the floor and proceeded to rip at the paper. Revealing an X BOX. They started screaming I knew my boys, they loved video games.  
  
------------------------  
  
IN THE END,   
  
ONLY KINDNESS   
  
MATTERS  
  
------------------------  
  
I started to get ready for bed, Carter was saying goodbye to Tanya and I just couldn't bare be near when they said their goodbyes. I heard a cry, and I could tell it was from one of the twins and I walked out to see Jeremy crying and walking away form the front door. Carter was following him, trying to hug him but Jeremy just pushed him away.   
  
"What's wrong." I asked concerned, leaning down to pick my son up.   
  
"He saw me kissing Tanya goodbye." I looked at Carter. "I don't want to move." Jeremy cried. I took Jeremy back to bed, leaving Carter to wallow. I didn't think Jeremy would really be bugged by Carter dating, but I guess even at a young age kids are intuitive. I walked out to the living room and saw Carter sitting on the couch in the same position I left him in 10 minutes ago. "I'm sorry, I didn't see him there." He said turning to face me.  
  
"It's okay, he just likes things the way they are now, they've had a bit of moving and bouncing around in their lives." "I know, you know I can hold off on Tanya for a bit if that's what would be best."  
  
"Carter, you can't let me or the twins tell you how to live. Do what you want."  
  
I said harshly as I left the couch to go to bed.   
  
------------------------------------  
  
Love Is Like Missing Someone  
  
When Ur Apart But Somehow   
  
Feeling Warm Inside Because   
  
you're Close In Heart  
  
------------------------------------ 


	15. Ceremonies and Grudges

Authors Note: Okay so Chapter 14, I hope this is okay...This is part one of the wedding...I hope you enjoy it. I've pretty much got this story planned out in my head, but it could change.   
  
Chapter 14  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
Inside a mind..... Inside a mind there is a story that awaits, a hurt that cant be described. Inside a mind there are thousands of memories, memories that are ancient, magical. Inside a mind there are screams of anger from the pain of a break up. Inside a mind there are favourites, enemies and love.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Jeremy... Jeremy come here." I said grabbing the fleeing boy. He laughed, he was already dressed in his nice suit, I couldn't have it getting dirty. "Mommy, I like my hair like this." He said pointing out the flat hair that lay straight. I grabbed the gel and went into the washroom, preparing to fix his hair up a bit. "Abby, let me do it." Carter said grabbing Jeremy from me. "Okay, but don't let him talk you into making him look like Frankenstein okay?" Carter laughed picking up the small boy and taking him out of the bathroom.  
  
"Carter, you have to finish getting dressed too!" I hollered, he walked around with his pants on and no shirt, not that I was complaining. He waved his hand in my face to signal he knew that. I finished applying my make up hoping Carter was doing an okay job getting the boys dressed. I walked out of the bathroom, to find all three of them dressed in their suits. Carter had his hair puffed up, kind of spiky but not too spiky, it suits him well. While Logan had his curls under control, well sort of, we took the boys to get their hair cut yesterday, so the curls, were a little more tame. Jeremy had his hair spiked and all three of them looked very handsome. I smiled as I saw them sitting their, one on each leg of Carters. "You look pretty." They said in unison, like that had rehearsed it, which they probably had. "Thank you. So do you." I said to all of them  
  
"No! Boy's look handsome not pretty." Jeremy pointed out. I was surprised he was so cuddly with Carter the last couple of days he had been stand offish towards him. Jeremy proved my point of his distance with Carter by getting up and walking towards me, and following me like a lost puppy into the kitchen. "Hey Jeremy why don't you sit with Carter?" I offered. He shook his head. Carter heaved a deep sigh.   
  
"Why not, he's our dad and I love him." Logan said putting his head on Carters shoulder.  
  
"He doesn't love mommy." Jeremy said latching onto my leg. Logan was appalled by this comment. "Yes he does." Logan argued. I could tell this was not going to end well.  
  
"Okay guys, lets not fight." I intervened.   
  
"No," Jeremy continued. "I saw him kissing another girl, just like the beauty and the beast kiss." Jeremy said pounding his foot down. Logan was now also upset.  
  
"Guys, daddy and I are not together, he can kiss who ever he pleases." I said leaning down to pick Jeremy up and set him back on Carters lap, while I went hunting for the purse that went with my revealing red dress.   
  
----------------------  
  
Cry your heart out,   
  
let it all go.   
  
Cause remember,   
  
after every tear,   
  
comes a rainbow!  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Hey, you guys look so nice." I said bending down to straighten the boys ties out.   
  
"Do you have the camera?" I asked Carter.  
  
"Yes, of course! You asked at least 20 times, on the way here, and 20 times before we left." He joked. I smiled up at him, he bent down, looking at our boys and playing with Logan's hair until I shooed, his hand away. He smiled, each boy looked tired, from the long day they had already endured. Jeremy wiped at his eyes. "Hey guys." Alex's said, walking into the back of the church. "ALEX!" Logan beamed. Alex sauntered over to Logan and started tickling, him.   
  
"Okay, we're ready for you." Luka said sticking his head in. Alex picked up Logan while Carter bent down and tried to grab Jeremy, after much fighting with Carter, Jeremy reluctantly went with him. We put the boys at the beginning of the isle, and left for our seats, I saw Tanya sitting about 4 rows behind us, Carter didn't even glance her way which made me suspicious. I nudged him, to try and get his attention, I wanted the scoop as to what was going on. Did he break up with her? Did she break up with him? So many questions. Carter turned to look at me and smiled. "What's with Tanya?" I whispered hoping that they did in fact break up. I knew that was mean and cruel, but I didn't want Carter to be with her. "Nothing." He whispered back turning to face the front again.  
  
"What do you mean nothing, we just walked past her and you didn't so much as give her a look." I was almost talking now, to curios to try and whisper.   
  
"I know." This is was bugging me couldn't he just fill me in instead of sending me on the goose hunt. "Well..." I pushed.  
  
"Look Abby, if you MUST know, we have decided to be platonic when the twins are around okay?" He said now turning to look at me.  
  
"So you're going to lie to them?" I said a little more forward. He sighed.  
  
"Well, what else would you have me do?" He said now a little annoyed.  
  
"Not lie to your children." I whipped back coldly.  
  
"Look! I don't know what to do. So I am doing all I can at the moment so cut me some slack." He fired back, now with rage in his eyes. I nodded, deciding it was probably best just to drop the subject then and there. "Abby." Susan said walking up beside me and sitting down. "Hey." I said turning to her, glad someone was here to ease the tension.  
  
"I saw the boys they look very cute." Susan said with a huge grin.  
  
"Yeah I know, Carter did their hair." I laughed. Carter didn't even turn at this he just stared straight ahead coldly. Susan pointed to him mouthing the words 'what's with him' I shook my head, not wanting to get into it. At least not in front of him.   
  
Suddenly the music played signalling us to stand, and wait for the oncoming bride. Luka quickly made his way to the front through the packed church. It was a pleasant church medium in size. Everyone looked very nice, and here came my beautiful boys each one carrying a red velvet pillow nothing on top of it though, they were holding hands, we sat near the front of the church so when they got to the front they could just come sit with us. When they passed our pew Jeremy tried to come sit with us but between Logan tugging on his shirt and Carter and I waving him to the front he made it there okay. As soon as they were up there for 5 minutes they were allowed to come sit with us, Logan hoping onto Carters lap and Jeremy onto mine. Susan and Chuck still sat next to us, Chuck was a little late, due to work, but made it okay. The ceremony was beautiful, they wrote their own vows, which is something I have always wanted to do, though Richard did not like the idea at ALL! He said we should just use the traditional vows, sticking true to weddings, or some load of crap like that. The ceremony ended and the bride and groom left the church in smiles holding tightly onto one another's hands. Alex's as the Best man was close behind. We waited until most people had left before leaving the church. Carter held onto Logan and Jeremy's hand tightly, fearing they may get lost in the crowd.   
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
I like you because of who you are to me I hate you because of what you did to me I miss you because you got her, not me I love you and that's how it will always be   
  
------------------------------------------------- 


	16. Dancing

Chapter 15  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
No sleep last night, too busy thinking of you. I was trying to figure out   
  
how I could fix things, but I can't. You wouldn't want me to anyway, so I guess I'll just have to stop   
  
loving you somehow. And only love the memory of  
  
me actually thinking you cared. It hurt bad. I shouldn't waste my tears, I know. It's kind of too late to say that. I've already unleashed thousands, cause every thought I ever had was about you. And every dream I ever wished came true - when you entered my life. And now you're slowly disappearing, so I didn't sleep last night.   
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
"Is this Chicken or Turkey?" Jeremy said pushing the plate towards Carter, Carter looked at him then pushed the plate back. "Chicken" This didn't seem to please Jeremy at all.  
  
"I like Turkey best." He said with a disappointed sigh. I laughed as did Carter, Susan, Chuck, Chen, Pratt, Gallant and Neela who were also seated at our table. "Honey you like Chicken and don't like turkey." I corrected, he looked at me confused.   
  
"Are you sure?" I nodded and he took his plate back and immediately started munching on his carrots. "That was a beautiful ceremony." Chen said with a smile, we all agreed.   
  
There were moments of awkward silence and then talking continued. The men talking about the football game and the women about the lovely wedding. Logan sat looking bored as did Jeremy. "Mommy, I'm bored." Logan said looking up from his plate.  
  
"Me too." Jeremy whined.   
  
"Well, you guys are going to be going home, with my friend Cindy. Remember you met her a couple days ago? You're going to go with her and watch a movie." Carter said to the bored pair. He continued eating, every once in a while I would catch him looking over at Tanya I guess he really did like her, maybe even love her. I think I knew now that I wanted Carter, but it was too late. No matter how much I card about him I could not have him. He could never be mine. He was Tanya's. "Oh, its 8 o clock, we better take the boys out." Carter said standing up. The three of us followed. Carter reached down and picked Jeremy up. Jeremy was a little more accepting of Carter today, I took Logan by the hand, we walked out to the main entrance of the hall and waited. "So...That was a nice wedding." Carter stated. I smiled, in a agreement.   
  
"LOOK!" Logan said pointing towards Cindy walking up the sidewalk.  
  
"Hi guys." She said smiling and grabbing each one of their hands.  
  
"I will see you guys, later enjoy the wedding." Cindy said marching off with them. I watched them go, it wasn't often I hired babysitters. Carter wrapped his arm around my shoulders leading me back into the building.   
  
-------------------------  
  
you'll never see the  
  
stars if you are   
  
always looking down  
  
-------------------------  
  
"I feel like dancing." Susan said grabbing Chucks arm and dragging him onto the dance floor." I love this song, I wasn't usually much of a Dixie Chicks fan but, Cowboy take me away was one of my favourites, it reminded me of the time Eric, Jodi, Carter and I went dancing. It was a fun night. I really miss those days, now he's with Tanya and I'm here obsessing over what could have been. He looks over at me and smiles, I'm sure he's about to ask me to dance and then Tanya walks up and steals my light. "Hey," She says patting him gingerly on the shoulder. He smiles up at her and then stands now he's basically hovering over her. "You want to dance." She asks shyly. DAMN! I hate her. They walk off arm in arm and proceed to dance. "Abby!" Yosh says approaching me. I smile at him, standing to meet him at eye level. "Would you like to dance?" I pondered this for a second deciding this was as good as it gets and walked to the dance floor with him. As I was dancing with Yosh I watched Carter and Tanya they looked happy, I could feel the knot in my stomach weighing me down. I couldn't deal with it anymore, I let go of Yosh and ran outside, I knew I drew the attention of many on lookers but this did not bother. I kept running until I got outside, where I sat down on the curb, and took a deep breath. "Damn it." I said angrily I forgot my cigarettes inside. "Hey you." I heard a voice say from behind me, I turned around abruptly to see Carter standing tall with his hands in his pockets and a bit of a worried look upon his face. I smiled wearily, tears daring to fall.  
  
"What's up?" He asked taking a seat on the curb right next to me. I shrugged, taking a moment to shiver, He took off his jacket and place it over my shoulders. "Nothings wrong? You normally run out of weddings?" He smiled, I laughed at him.  
  
"No." I answered "I just, I want to be with you." I continued, "I know I lost my chance but, I want you, and I don't want HER to have you. We have our kids together, and everything." I sighed.  
  
"Oh." I looked up at him quizzically.  
  
"Oh?" I retorted.  
  
"Abby. You can't say that now. Besides you only want me cause you can't have me."  
  
"You're an ass. You know that." I said getting up and throwing his jacket at him.   
  
"Are you PMSing or something." He yelled. I stood looking at him, this was all a little weird, I was due, at least 2 days ago, so I should be getting my period soon, although I haven't even started to get any of my regular symptoms. "Carter." I said harshly.  
  
"What?" He said coming towards me.   
  
"Why would you say that?" I asked moving a step closer to him to make this conversation a little more private even though no one else was around.   
  
"I don't know, you're acting a little bitchy and possessive lately I guess. Signs for a women's period." I laughed.  
  
"No I haven't." I stated.   
  
"Well are you going to get your period." He laughed.  
  
"Carter, I don't see why this is any of your business." I said gently shoving him.  
  
"Because, I am living with you. I should no your moods, get ready for the tornado, yah know?" He was right. Should I tell him though, ah why not.  
  
"Actually, I was suppose to get it a couple days ago, and I haven't even started having my regular period symptoms." I rolled my eyes. As he looked shocked and frightened rolled into one. "Wh- What?" He said now stepping back. "You could be pregnant Abby."  
  
He was right I could be, and we didn't use protection, this was not a good sign AT ALL!   
  
"Okay, well lets not freak out." Carter, rubbed his forehead like he often did when he was stressed. "well lets go get a pregnancy test." He stated.   
  
"Now?" We were at a wedding reception, I would hardly call it the time or place to be checking if he knocked me up. "YES!" I shook my head no. He sighed and then kicked his foot against the ground like a little kid. "Abby, I need to know, I'm going to be nervous all night now." He said wringing his hands.   
  
"Carter, what do you propose we do, leave Tanya down their to fend for herself, and just run out." Carter thought about this for a second then nodded.   
  
"I'll tell her, we have to go get the twins or check on them or something."   
  
"Fine if your so adamant about this we'll do it." I said turning on my heels and heading towards the door. I could tell he was doing a private victory dance.   
  
--------------------------------  
  
There are 3 kinds of people   
  
in this world...those who   
  
want things to happen,   
  
those that make things   
  
happen, and those who   
  
just wonder what the   
  
hell happened!  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"Hey are you okay?" Susan asked as we walked back into the buzzing hall.  
  
"Yeah, just fine." I said with a slight smile. Susan gave me a weird look, as Carter walked over to explain to Tanya that he will be back in a few moments. "Carter thinks I might be pregnant." I said rolling my eyes.   
  
"What?" Susan shouted, causing a bit of a stir around us.   
  
"I don't think I am, but he INSISTS we leave right now to check."   
  
"Well, he can't come with you I have to." Susan stated.   
  
"I don't think Carter will go for that." I was actually positive he wouldn't.  
  
"Let me talk to him." She said heading off, I continued packing my things, having mixed feelings about this pregnancy thing, I looked at my watch noticing it was 10 and I was quite anxious to see my twins again, so maybe we could go from the pharmacy straight home. I actually wanted Susan to come instead of Carter, it would take the pressure of the situation. I saw Susan coming back with a smile lighting up her whole face.  
  
"Yes, I will come with you, and Carter said he will meet us back at the apartment." I was relieved that I would be going straight home I was a little tired lately.   
  
------------------------------------  
  
I've discovered that I often visit   
  
the state of confusion, and   
  
I know my way around pretty   
  
well.  
  
-------------------------------------- 


	17. Discipline

Authors Note- Okay so here's the part where the truth comes out...Is Abby really pregnant?   
  
Chapter 16  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Didn't wanna see this day come,   
  
all I wanna do is turn and run,   
  
didn't wanna have to cry, now he   
  
cant even look me in the eye...   
  
Well now its his turn to be hurt,   
  
cause I wont take being treated   
  
like dirt! A girl will only take so  
  
much, and now honey, your time   
  
is up!!  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
"So, it's two lines are blue?" I asked Susan as we sat on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns. She nodded, not taking her eyes away from the television. I fidgeted with the blanket that I had placed carelessly upon my lap. "Susan, Susan, Susan." I said tapping her annoyingly. She turned her head to look at me. "Yeah." I smiled, I was quite nervous.  
  
"So...Do you want to be pregnant?" Susan asked with a sly smile.  
  
"I don't know, I mean I love my boys more then anything in the world, but Carter and I we are going through a weird little patch right now, and I don't know if its the right time to bring a baby into the world, but who knows maybe everything will be cleared up by then." I rambled.   
  
"Well then. I'm sure everything will be okay." Susan sympathized shoving handfuls of popcorn into her mouth. The stove buzzer started to go off as we sat there waiting.   
  
"Its time." I said getting up from my spot on the couch to turn the annoying sound off.   
  
We slowly walked towards the washroom where we left the stick and immediately started screaming. "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!" Susan exclaimed,   
  
"I KNOW" I screeched back. I was very excited by this news and so was Susan, but suddenly it hit me maybe I just wanted to be pregnant so I could get Carter. I bit down on my bottom lip and decided that I really did love having children and this didn't guarantee Carter and I as a couple anyways, just because I was pregnant with his child didn't mean anything, I did already have 2 of his children and he still wanted Tanya.   
  
"You okay." Susan asked shaking me out of my daze. I nodded, and plastered a smile across my face as we burst into fits of giggles.  
  
"Hello?" Carter asked opening the front door. I walked over to him, Susan followed grabbing her coat, "I'll see you guys tomorrow." We waved as she left.   
  
I looked at Carter and smiled as he handed me sleeping Logan, and Cindy walked in with sleeping Jeremy handing him off to Carter. "I thought they were just going to sleep at Cindy's house?" I asked puzzled.   
  
"Yah, I like them being here with us, where we know they are safe." I laughed and thought this was cute. Carter gave Cindy her money, and helped me take the boys too bed.  
  
"you know I was thinking," Carter started. "The boys, I really upset them didn't I?" I nodded, "Well, I let you talk to them figuring it would be best coming from you, telling them that me kissing another women was okay, but maybe I should have said something."   
  
"Yah, I think that would be best." I said putting Jeremy into his bed as he started to stir at little bit. He smiled and then put his arm around me leading me out of the room.   
  
"Nice wedding huh? Uh- did you spend the rest of the time with Tanya?" I asked hesitantly, not knowing when was the best time to slip in the pregnancy thing,   
  
"Are you?" He asked totally ignoring my question.   
  
"Yes." I said getting a little misty. He lifted me up off of the ground twirling me in circles, I leached onto him, screeching quietly not wanting to wake the sleeping boys in the next room. "This is great, we're having more kids." He said, I could tell he was fogging up also, he set me down and pulled me in for a nice tight hug. I buried my face in his shirt  
  
taking in his scent, I wished we could stay like this forever. Maybe we could.   
  
---------------------------  
  
If nothing changed,   
  
there'd be no butterflies  
  
---------------------------  
  
"So you and mommy are still friends?" Jeremy asked Carter, as both boys sat on his lap and Carter explained to them about his kiss with Tanya. "Yes, I still care and love for your mother, but sometimes two people are better off as friends then married." I lay in bed reading eaves dropping on the conversation Carter was having with the twins. "So does mommy love you?" Logan pressed, "Maybe she still wants to be your girlfriend." He continued. He was right but I wasn't sure my 3 year old son should be the one to set this up. I heard a nervous laugh come from Carter. "I don't know, that's on your mother." Great thanks a lot Carter. I rolled my eyes. "When, we move out will we still get to see you?" Jeremy questioned.   
  
"Yeah, you will your mom and I are going to arrange for you to come to stay with my every other weekend and one day a week and maybe when you get older you can visit with me more." I knew that this arrangement would be the best to start off with, and since I will be working at County also while the boys are in daycare there Carter could go visit or pick them up if his shift ends earlier then mine. "When do we move?" Jeremy continued, him and the questions the last couple of days. "In a week." Carter answered. I was worried now that this dilemma had been cleared up, how we would broach the baby subject since we had told the kids on several occasions that mommy and daddy were not together how do you go about telling them that we are now having a new baby. I could always leave that to Carter, he seemed to be doing a good job with this particular topic whose to say he wouldn't do well with the pregnancy subject. I heard Carter tell the boys that he had to go to work so I figured this was my cue that my alone time was over and I had my sons back. I put my book down, I wasn't really reading any ways, I got up and walked out to the main area. "Hey you." Carter said as he walked by me into the bedroom to change for work, he squeezed my hand quickly on the way in. I mouthed hey back and then sat with my boys and played cars with them. "Mommy, do you love daddy?" Logan asked. "Logan, why don't we play, I think we're all questioned out for the day." He nodded ramming his car into Jeremy's car. "Can we get McDonald's?" Jeremy exclaimed.   
  
"NO!" I emphasised. I heard a unison of aw, please moms, I laughed and continued to shake my head no, rolling my car around the mat that was placed on the floor, it was the kid that had the roads on it made for kids. "DADDY!" Jeremy shrieked.   
  
"JEREMY" He threw back as he walked out clad in a very nice suit.   
  
"Can we go to McDonald's for dinner?" Great they were already playing one parent against the other.   
  
"Jeremy, I heard your mom already say no. So NO!" With that he walked over to the boys and planted a kiss on their foreheads and then leaned down to me and whispered into my ear. "We'll tell them in a few days." I nodded then he kissed me gingerly on the cheek.  
  
  
  
"ICE CREAMS YUMMY!" Jeremy said shoving another spoonful into his mouth.  
  
I ate mine too, it was 6:54 and carter worked from 9- 6 today so I knew he'd be home soon, and he could deal with Logan, or at least help me deal with him. Logan sat across from me throwing his broccoli around his plate, refusing to eat it. I told him he could not have ice cream until he ate his broccoli. He did not agree with this and proceeded to throw a fit and then tell me he hates me. Logan was the temperamental one after all, he usually did not get like this but if you caught him at the wrong time he was hard to deal with. "I hate broccoli." He said throwing at Jeremy and hitting him right in the middle of his forehead. Jeremy looked up at me dumbfounded. "LOGAN RUTGERS" I shouted at him, I hated yelling at my kids but sometimes they needed it. "WHAT?" He screamed back enraged, and proceeding to throw another piece of broccoli but this time at me. I got up and picked Logan up, he started to kick and scream I tried to get a hold of his arms but he just ended up kicking me in the stomach. "I DON'T LIKE YOU! I WANT DADDY!" I knew he was mad but these words stung. "Leave mommy alone." Jeremy said getting up.  
  
"Jer, go play okay?" He nodded with tears in his eyes and went over to the carpet.  
  
"LOGAN GET IN YOUR ROOM NOW!" I ordered. He just looked at me, both are faces flushed with anger. His eyes were angry and his teeth and fist clenched into tight little balls. "NO!" He hollered back from the chair he was no standing on.  
  
"YES!" I shouted back. Jeremy looked over at us, and ran to his room.  
  
"JER! Come out here, you can't go in there, Logan is. Go sit on my bed Jer." I instructed.   
  
He sombrely made his way out, neither Logan or I breaking the gaze we held on each other. "now." Logan I said calmly.   
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, suddenly the door opened and in walked Carter stunned to see us in the state we were in. Jeremy ran out of my bedroom and latched himself onto Carters leg. "Hey what's going on?" he said bending down to put his brief case on the floor and picking Jeremy up. "I HATE MOMMY!" Logan hollered to Carter.   
  
"HEY!" Carter said angrily and walked over to me, still holding on to Jeremy.   
  
"He wouldn't eat his broccoli and I he can not have ice cream until he eats it. He then though it would be an okay idea to throw pieces of broccoli and Jeremy and I!" I said on the brink of tears. He put his arm around me, then started to address Logan, "Logan, get to your room now." I could tell his was flabbergasted by the actions at what he thought was one of his angels. "NOOOOO I HATE YOU TOO!" Carter shook his head.  
  
"NOW!" He hollered. Neither one of us liking raising our voices at our children.   
  
"NO!" Jeremy was now in my arms, as I took him over to the couch to sit, I figured that was easier then having us gang up on Logan. Carter did something that shocked me, he picked Logan up tossing him over his shoulder and took him to his bedroom, Logan pounding on Carter's back the whole time with his fists and kicking him in the stomach, Carter took him to the boys room, set the screaming boy down and shut the door. He left calling him into him. "The broccoli will be waiting and you can apologize to your mother, brother and I, when you want out also, your in their till then." Carter said angrily.   
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "The screams of an angry boy." I said looking up at Carter, from the movie.   
  
My head was on Carters shoulder, his arm around me and Jeremy was sprawled out across our laps. "I love Jimmy Neutron." Jeremy yawned. Carter rustled his hair.   
  
"Yeah." He said looking down at Jeremy. Logan had been screaming for an hour now, I was sure it would never and I think Carter was beginning to feel the same. "Mommy I'm tired," Jeremy expressed.   
  
"I know buddy, I know." I said kissing the top of his head.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
When life closes a door.  
  
it opens a window...so jump  
  
---------------------------------- 


	18. Epilogue

Authors Note: Okay I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter I know there wasn't a lot of romance in there, but I wanted to show Abby and Carter going through parenting and what every other parent has to go through, I thought it showed there willingness to work together, anyways this chapter deals with a little more of their romance issues, I know a lot of you want Tanya out of the picture but I think it would be boring to take her out of the picture right away and leaving no obstacles to get in Abby's way, and don't worry Carter will have a few obstacles of his own, anyways here's chapter 17.   
  
Chapter 17  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
This time it's over, I'm keeping   
  
my heart ,I'm gonna be strong   
  
& not fall apart .. It'll get better,   
  
I'll no longer cry.. In a couple   
  
of weeks, I wont want to die,   
  
I won't want to go back, I'll be   
  
able to sleep, It won't hurt so bad,   
  
& it won't feel so deep  
  
----------------------------------------   
  
I walked into the bedroom, Carter and I had already put Jeremy into my bed and had steered clear of the twins room. I crept in to their bedroom, we hadn't heard anything out of Logan in a half hour which was nice, but he still hadn't come out of his room, Carter and I both figured he tired himself out and fell asleep. The door clicked shut and there was Logan lying face down on the floor. I walked in and picked him up, I felt his warm breath on my neck and smiled, he seemed so sweet and innocent, I hated fighting with him. Jeremy does not put up the fights Logan does. "Hey." Carter whispered walking into the room, he walked over to us, brushing a loose hair out of Logan's face and watched as I laid him down on the bed. "He's so peaceful." I stated. Carter smiled then nodded. I pulled the blanket up around his small body, I sat on the bed and stared at him. Carter sat down behind me and I rested my head against his chest. "I love them both so much, I don't know what I would do with out them." I could feel him sigh and rub my arm.  
  
"I like watching them sleep." I said nestling closer to his body. "Yeah, I don't know how I ever lived with out them." Carter said standing and then taking my hand, he put his arm around me and we left. "I'm going to get to bed," I said leaving, to go to sleep. "Alright, I'll see you in the morning" he said with a small wave. I smiled, I quietly opened the door seeing Jeremy curled up in a ball, I kissed him gently on the cheek now feeling very excited for the baby. I pulled the covers up around Jeremy's shoulders then walked into the living room to see Carter in his sweat pants without a top on. I loved the way he looked topless, I walked over to him and smiled. "Hey." He said warmly.  
  
"Hey." I mimicked crawling into bed next to him. He looked at me quite startled.   
  
"Sorry." I said pulling the blankets off of myself and getting out. He grabbed my wrist to stop me. "No, it's okay." He smiled and put his book down, his head and upper body were propped up with a pillow. "What's wrong? Is the baby okay?" I laughed the baby wasn't even a baby yet. He should know this. "Festus you mean?" I chuckled. He smiled.  
  
"So, what's going to happen to us when the baby comes," He looked extremely puzzled,   
  
"Uh, I don't know what you mean?" He squinted at me,  
  
"Never mind." I said getting out of bed now and walking towards my room.  
  
"Abby, We've talked about this. You don't want me, and do you really want to get together just because we are having a baby? Besides I'm with Tanya now." This pissed me off to know end. "Carter we were together for a year, we have 2 boys and a baby on the way, we have 2 years of friendship before we started dating. What do you have with Tanya a year of work and a week of dating." I explained, hoping he would understand, but knowing it would take more then words and history to get him to hear me out. "Abby, look I love all the time we've spent together. I love you. I always have and will, I love our sons and I love the baby, but I can't be thrown through loops for someone who doesn't know what they feel. This isn't about Tanya, I don't love her I don't know if I'm capable of loving her, I just need time and space to figure things out, okay?" I squeezed my eyes shut, then turned around and walked into my room, I was glad we were out of here in a few days.   
  
-------------------------------  
  
You never lose by loving,   
  
you always lose by holding   
  
back.   
  
--------------------------------  
  
"Where do you want this to go ms." A huge man holding a side of Logan's bed asked,   
  
"Oh, right in there." I said pointing to the red bedroom,   
  
"Mommy, I like the bed at Dads, better." I rolled my eyes,  
  
"Logan...this bed is fine." He huffed and then went to the car to carry another small box.   
  
I like this apartment it has a nice size kitchen, and the living room is pretty big the bathroom is not in my bedroom which makes it easier, and the bedroom are down a little hall similar to Carters, mine next to the washroom and across the hall from the boys.   
  
"I like it Abby." Susan said admiring the kitchen. I followed her into the kitchen, it was a nice space, I really did like this place, maybe one day I could own a house, but that day will not be for a long time so for now this place will do. "So, the boys are they sleeping here tonight?" Susan asked helping me put glasses into the cupboard.   
  
"No, they're going to stay at Carters." this was better then them spending the night in a house that was a little empty at the moment and might frighten them.  
  
"That makes sense."   
  
"Hey, Abby where do you want this to go?" Luka asked carrying a laughing Jeremy over his shoulder. "MOMMY" He shrieked. Susan and I laughed, Luka took Jeremy and the box he was carrying into the boys room. "So you're pregnant AGAIN?" Susan said emphasising on the AGAIN.   
  
"Yes, its exciting." I smile, I am excited I just don't know what kind of conditions we are bring this baby into. By conditions I mean the relationship between Carter and I.   
  
"Mommy. Can I have pickles?" Jeremy asks staring down at the pickle jar.  
  
"No, you can't have a pickle, Luka and Daddy are going to take you out for lunch."  
  
I explain. "Oh, to where." He asks placing his self in front of Susan. Susan looks down at him and smiles. "Jeremy!" Carter hollers walking into the kitchen, and noticing him standing in front of Susan. "Will you be my girlfriend." He asks with a huge grin on his face. Susan laughs, bending down to pick him up, Carter walks over with his navy blue Old Navy sweater and pulls it over his head. "I think I'm a little old for you." Susan answers. Carter grabs him from Susan and then pulls his hat over his head and smiles.  
  
"Lets go for lunch you can see your future wife later Jer." Carter carried Jeremy out of the apartment, and we watched him go. "So are you just going to give up on Carter?"   
  
"I don't know, I think I'm going to give him space, the space I think he needs for the time being I mean, he loves me, he told me he does, he just needs time, I mean when he came back from Africa things were different and he was different. I think it was hard for us to continue dating because one of us had changed. He was happier saw the world differently, and I think I needed to be happier, and I am now. Now I think we just need things to settle down a bit." I smiled hoping this was true, hoping all we needed was a little time.   
  
---------------------------------  
  
I Cry for You at night, I know you're Mr. Right, I search for You in dreams, And I don't know What   
  
You think Bout Me, But I'm better than I Seem!  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
"So, I guess. I'll see you two in the morning." I said bringing my boys in for a hug.   
  
"I Love you mom." Logan said burying his face in my neck. "I love you too baby." I add holding him close, I have never really spent the night apart from my sons, so this could be hard, although I am aware that this will be the first of many, especially if things do not work out between Carter and I, although I hope they do.   
  
"Mommy, I love you too, but daddy says that we'll be here in the morning, bright and early too." Jeremy explained. He seemed pretty confident that everything was going to be okay. "I know baby give me a hug." I pulled him in close still holding Logan. Carter stood by the door watching us. "Alright guys, go with daddy okay." I said letting go of them, not before planting a kiss on them though. "Bye, mommy." They waved as they put there shoes on with a little help from Carter and myself. "You, know you can come too if you want." Carter offered. I wished I could but I knew this wasn't an option. I had to fix this place up a bit, unpack and such. "No, I better stay here, unpack." I said standing up, he followed suit. He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my forehead. "It'll be weird without you near me." with that they left.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
I'll Risk everything I have. . I'll Fight Till I bleed Give you my Life . . if that's What you need   
  
----------------------------------  
  
Authors Note- I've decided to end it here... BUT I'm going to make a sequel, because I think that these two weeks that Abby and Carter spent getting reunited, and Carter spent getting to know his sons needed to be a story in its self, So look out for the sequel to this story, it will be titled losing something part 2, or something like that. I hope you enjoyed it, Thanks to everyone who read it, and everyone who reviewed it. 


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